GCSE pass rate falls from when it was made up

THE GCSE pass rate has fallen dramatically from the last two years, when teachers made it up.

Pupils have found that no amount of real-world study and work can produce the same high results as ones plucked out of thin air by teachers and exam boards keen to make it look like they are doing a good job.

Grace Wood-Morris, aged 16, said: “Last year my brother got five 8s, two 7s and a 6 even though he’s thicker than a shit sandwich.

“The 6 was in Spanish. He didn’t even do Spanish, but the school said ‘on a robust assessment of likely attainment levels factoring in the Covid-19 pandemic’ he deserved it.

“Now I’m walking out, after a full year of school attendance, with two 4s and two 3s just because I ‘didn’t get anything right’, which is hardly fair. And it’s not like ten years ago. That doesn’t get you a place on a degree course at Northumbria University anymore.”

Teacher Mr Roberts said: “We would have liked nothing more than to keep inventing the results off the top of our heads without having to be in the same room as teenagers. It was a dream for us.

“Sadly, we’ve been forced to acknowledge reality and the reality is that British kids are thick, lazy twats who waste all their revision time on TikTok. Good luck with the future.”

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Five reasons why growing up in the countryside is shit

NEW research has found that parents think a countryside upbringing is better than a city one, when in fact it’s rubbish. Here’s why.

There’s f**k all to do

Adults imagine that a rural childhood will involve scrumping for apples and fishing in streams, when actually all the orchards belong to multinational drinks corporations and are kept behind electric fences and the watercourses have been poisoned. Plus there’s the fact that your parents are convinced that every stranger is a paedo and they never let you out anyway.

You never see your friends outside school

Going round to a mate’s house during the evening or weekend is a big part of growing up. But it’s one that you won’t experience if you live in the countryside as you have to rope in your parents to take you, which they won’t because it’s a 45-minute round trip, and they’re in an incredibly shitty mood because they’ve just spent an hour driving home from work.

The countryside is terrifying

Cities are meant to be scary but they have nothing on the countryside. From being bitten by an adder to being crushed by an unstable haystack, death lurks everywhere. Plus you aren’t going to find a human torso floating in a flooded quarry in a city centre. In fact, the only torsos you’ll see are sculptures in art museums. Country types can forget about those. Go and look at a cow instead.

You live miles from anywhere and there’s no public transport

The nearest town is 12 miles away so if you want to get there you have to get a bus. But the bus only comes twice a week, meaning unless you spend three nights sleeping in a shop doorway, it’s f**king pointless. The upside is that as a teenager you get really good at navigating your way home pissed and in the pitch dark.

You spend all your time in the car

Going to school? Get in the car. Got a hobby? Get in the car. Going to a friend’s? Get in the car. Despite wanting you to grow up in a rural idyll, your parents actually made the weird choice of making you grow up in a Ford Mondeo. And, because you’re the first person amongst your mates to learn to drive, you spend your latter teenage years being a sober taxi service. Thanks, mum and dad.