TODAY’S vote of no confidence called by the biased media was won with the prime minister receiving 100 per cent of the vote before it even took place. Here’s how:
8am
Vote of no confidence officially announced, after diehard Johnson loyalists write letters to 1922 Committee so the prime minister can prove himself in an incredible show of strength.
9.30am
Conservative MPs, fortified by a weekend of hardcore patriotism, come to their senses. Dazedly wondering how they could even consider betraying the most successful leader of all time, they swear undying allegiance.
11.30am
Emails flood in from constituents horrified that a vote of no confidence could be held against Johnson, a virile stallion of a man who single-handedly created the vaccine, Brexited and won the war for Ukraine.
3pm
Johnson, entirely secure in his position, makes a few casual phone calls to friends who happen to be MPs discussing a Cabinet reshuffle. This is in no way bribery or desperation, in fact he’s entirely forgotten the vote thing’s even going on. And I know because I, as ever, am sitting by his feet.
5pm
With an hour to go before the vote, Johnson’s benevolence and eye for detail cause him to remember those Tory MPs who would love to vote for him but are currently without the whip due to ‘sex offences’. Munificently restores the whip to them just to get an full house.
6pm
Vote takes place. Johnson so unworried he takes a nap. I adoringly watch him sleep.
8pm
Result is announced. Every member in the house, including Labour and the Lib Dems, has backed Boris. Nation agrees this counts as a general election. The BBC reports some untrue seditious nonsense which is rightly ignored. Rejoicing goes on long into the night.
