What a wonderful start to the working week, agrees Britain

THE UK has had a lovely four days off celebrating the Jubilee before returning to work for a pleasant day of getting rid of Boris Johnson.  

The whole country has arrived back in the workplace in cheerful mood, chatting around watercoolers about the Queen’s Paddington moment, the Party at the Palace line-up and the fact the lying prick could be gone by the end of tonight’s Springwatch.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “What a start to the summer. Nice weather, a long weekend and the prospect of Boris being defenestrated.

“I was just discussing how delicious it was to hear him booed by a crowd of flag-waving Royalists when Marie rushed in with the news that the letters were in. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a happier office on a Monday.

“We’re not counting our chickens here. We know the Tories are stupid and suicidal and there’s every chance he’ll scrape through fatally damaged, but isn’t it so nice to dream?”

Accountant Jo Kramer agreed: “Just when the national mood was starting to sag with nothing more to look forward to, this happens like a Red Arrows flypast in my heart.

“Ah, think of him out on his arse with bunting still on the railings and Union Jack paper plates in the gutter. I can’t imagine a more marvellously British occasion.”

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I went too hard on day one, Queen admits

THE Queen has admitted she ruined her own Platinum Jubilee celebrations by going far too hard on the first day. 

Her Majesty, who after Thursday was only able to make a single brief hungover balcony appearance for the last three days of the event, apologised to the nation for not being able to restrain herself.

She said: “As every 19-year-old on a lads’ trip to Dublin knows, on a four-day event you have to hold back early doors. But I got carried away.

“I’ve been building up for so long that as soon as Thursday hit I was out of control. The balcony flypast and the lighting of the beacons were only what you saw. Behind the scenes it was mental.

“I swear I thought I’d be attending the Thanksgiving Service until I realised the sun was streaming into the state apartments, everyone around me was unconscious, it was 8am and I hadn’t slept for 36 hours.

“Like an amateur blasting through his full stash on the first day of Glastonbury and spending the next three days in the tent, like the lad at the stag do who gets so hammered on the first night he can’t touch a drop all weekend, I’d f**ked it.

“I spent all Friday and Saturday in bed. They came in saying ‘it’s the Derby now’ or ‘it’s Party at the Palace’, took one look at the state I was in, and pissed off. I have never been so ill.

“My humble apologies for everyone for being such a lightweight. I’ve let the nation down. I should probably abdicate.”