How to cope now that you're rooting for that bellend Cummings

FOUND yourself rooting for that bastard Cummings now that he’s putting the boot into Johnson? Come to terms with this development:

Pretend it’s natural and healthy

We all change and develop over time; children become adults, adults become right-wing pensioners. Your righteous fury at a man who drove to Barnard Castle to test his eyesight is no different. By outright cheering the baldy f**ker on, you can pretend you’re displaying maturity. Maturity that goes against every fibre of who you were in May 2020.

Accept that nobody’s perfect

His tweets read like they’ve been typed by AI, but Cummings is human and fallible as any of us. So what if he lied the entire nation into f**king Brexit with a f**king bus? It’s water under the bridge now you have a common enemy you want to kick shit out of.

Remember that it’s only temporary

A week is a long time in politics. 20 months under this government in a pandemic is a bloody lifetime. Just because you’re on Cummings’s side today doesn’t mean you’re committed. When he calls Johnson a liar under oath, hold your nose and think of kittens in baskets. Then go back to hating the prick.

Forget the past

Cummings is only a puffed-up twat who dresses like a student on rag week if you choose to focus on it. By jettisoning his actions, political views and contemptuous attitude for anyone who doesn’t share his visionary genius, you’ll find that he’s a decent bloke who should be listened to.

Practice self-care

Siding with the man you dreamed of beating with his dickhead Bitcoin-mining laptop in 2020 will take a toll on your mental and physical health. Run a bath, eat chocolates, smoke weed or whatever the latest bollocks wellness trend recommends. Fickle turncoats like you deserve to be pampered.

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Chief Disruptor and other made-up job titles for complete wankers

THE corporate world is a minefield of ‘innovation managers’ and ‘change agents’. Never interact with any arsehole in one of these bollocks jobs: 

Happiness Officer

It’s a job in HR, but this smug bastard thinks they’re a veritable saint, dispensing life-changing joy to their fellow employees. Except when you actually interact to explain the source of your unhappiness and they agree your issue is valid but they will do nothing to change it.

Scrum Master

Like anyone who treats business books as gospel, those who wave around this title are wankers of the highest order. Wow, you’ve managed to learn a management style; you’re not a f**king Jedi. Such twats could never participate in a real-life rugby scrum as their heads would be too far up their own arses to spot the ball.

Head Party Girl

In reality this person is as fun as a bowl of unwashed grapes. But they work in events, so they’re forced to present a wild and outgoing exterior like a mouse on ecstasy. Their emails are full of exclamation marks and emojis. They spend lunchtime eating a sad salad at their desk like everyone else.

Chief Disruptor

Charging insane amounts of money for making unworkably shit recommendations, anyone with this title should be disrupted to the point of terminal organ failure. They believe they’re a maverick genius for suggesting your business have fewer meetings.

Wellness Guru

A non-role that’s either a desperate self-employed person selling aromatherapy oils or a dickhead giving deliberately vague talks to bored rich people at conferences. When two colleagues are sacked and you’re given both their workloads, the guru will advise you to breathe.

Human Architect

What does this even mean? Is it HR? Senior management? Dr Frankenstein? The title is even more bewildering when attached to the face of the most generic business bro you’ve ever seen. Ah, he’s talking about ‘synergistic solutions’. He’s here to make redundancies then.