Saturday, 24th October 2020

How to hold a socially distanced cocaine party, by Michael Gove

JUST because the world is in the grip of an accelerating pandemic doesn’t mean you can’t have friends over to snort a little sherbert. Just follow these rules: 

Separate coke, separate straws

Regretfully, it’s just not safe to share your cocaine with friends any longer. Don’t be rude about it; just say, ‘Sorry, Secretary of State for Whatever, you should have brought your own. Giving you a bump would be in violation of pandemic guidance.’

Meet your dealer outside

Dealers come into contact with hundreds of people a week, many of them foreign to these shores and heedless of social distancing. So it may seem rude but you’ll have to refuse them entry to your office. Meet them on the Star Chamber Court car park by Parliament instead. The Serjeant at Arms is cool with it.

Observe the Rule of Six

If the house is full, no bringing along your mate Dimitri who’s ‘an oligarch and has really good shit’. No matter how big the party donation he’s promising. And if he comes along anyway with his 7ft 2in bodyguard from Uzbekistan, the Camerons will just have to leave.

Everyone gets their own cistern

Don’t share cisterns. Put names on the doors of six of your bathrooms and insist everyone keeps to their specified one. If you don’t have six bathrooms in your house then you really shouldn’t be wasting your money on cocaine.

Wear face shields when ranting

After half a gram, you may find yourself with the urgent need to regale a fellow guest with all the reasons the EU will cave on Brexit and is collapsing anyway. But remember that will produce droplets, so shield up. As a side-effect neither of you will be able to hear anything but your own voices, which is ideal.