ACCUSED of holding parties, Islamophobia or murder? Simply order an inquiry into it then say you can’t discuss it because of the inquiry. This is how:
Identify the problem
A traitorous colleague has leaked a photo of you at a boozy work event with your wife and child in the garden, an MP has gone running to the press about discrimination, or some bastard bleating about embezzlement on a massive scale. Either way, they need to shut the f**k up. Order an inquiry immediately.
Choose your investigator
There are independent inquiries, and then there are inquiries run by people who you know intimately, who work for you, and who are happy to agree the results in advance. Get one of these useful idiots doing your legwork. It might ruin their reputation, but so what? This is about you.
Now you’ve got a tame little inquiry going, you have an impregnable shield. Questions in the Commons? Inquiry. Fresh allegations surface? Inquiry. Footage released of you giving a White Power salute at a lynching calling for race war? You do not wish to prejudice the inquiry by commenting.
Pre-empt the results
Everyone else needs to wait for the results of the inquiry, not you. In the very week it’s due start talking about how delighted the British people will be to see you cleared by the Who-f**ked-the-Nanny-gate inquiry you yourself ordered, and that you will now focus on what really matters. Subliminally preparing people for a whitewash.
Rewrite the results
Sometimes little people who believe in facts turn up odds and ends that are politically inconvenient, like dead bodies in the Downing Street garden or another pregnancy. Either redact those bits, do a draft of the report yourself or only release a summary. It’s your f**king inquiry. You can do it however you want.
The inquiry’s over so move on. It’s sad that spad ODed on coke but move on. You regret employing Nazis but move on. Why are these vindictive press still on about the inquiry? It was released yesterday, for God’s sake. It’s drawn a line under the whole affair. Everyone needs to move on.