How to pretend it wasn't a U-turn

COMPLETELY changed your mind in 24 hours, making transport secretary Grant Shapps look a dick again? Pretend you didn’t: 

Never heard of him

Claim to be completely ignorant of that day’s leading news story, the footballer Marcus Rashford, the sport of football and the concept of sport. Add that you are very busy despite the colossal lack of evidence.

It was magic

If there’s been some kind of furore and an entire country thinks you’re a tightfisted bastard, ignore it. Act as if your change of heart arrived as if by magic and no one else’s opinion had any influence on it.

Thought it through and reconsidered

Alternatively, you could pretend you thought about your decision really hard and then reversed it after examining the evidence. It’s not something you’d ever do, but necessary when even the most hardline rightwing lunatics that voted for you are having doubts.

Better you notice this than the other thing

Running the country with the most shambolic response to a global pandemic? Anything that distracts, even a humiliating u-turn and modest act of decency you had your arm twisted into agreeing to, is fine.

Sorry not sorry

Having the balls to admit you were wrong and apologise is an act of integrity, so don’t do it. Your ego might take a hit and that must be avoided because though massive, it’s terrifyingly fragile, like a blimp.

Don’t give a toss

The chances are that if you’re this easily persuaded into a U-turn you don’t give a toss anyway, so why pretend? Ruffle your hay bale hair and carry on regardless.

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What unnecessary shite are you getting from the shops?

WITH shops open again, it’s time for a zombie-like stagger through them for stuff you don’t want that won’t make you happy. Like these: 

Gardening bollocks

A vague memory of planning to grow turnips in early lockdown sees you buy 12 plant pots. You probably won’t ever use them but indulge your wildest fantasies. If you want to be an ostentatious Tony Montana-style high roller, get some secateurs as well.

A huge bag of crap from Sports Direct

Only a loser leaves the perma-sale favourite with one item. Don’t overlook Sports Direct’s many questionable bargains: running kit to watch Sky Sports in, Lonsdale eau de toilette, and it is impossible to have too many miniature Manchester United footballs.

A baked turd from Greggs

Straight-from-frozen bakery Greggs has taken on near-mythical status in British culture. Get yourself down there and buy a pork and cheese rhomboid or whatever. Think of wet cardboard as you choke it down.

Fast f**king fashion

Is your life incomplete without a pair of knitted trainers or a DKNY parka? It’s definitely worth risking being infected with a deadly virus for these precious items. Some may even be limited edition, which means nothing.

Vastly overpriced Apple bullshit

You’re using your precious Apple whatever constantly, so give it a treat. A mouse for £99?  AirPods? An Apple Pencil? Rumour has it the soulless megacorp will soon be selling clock radios for £1,499 but in fairness the battery life is excellent.