Friday, 30th October 2020

How to survive five more years of Michael f**king Gove

THE Tory victory means we’ll be seeing more of Britain’s most irritating twat, Michael Gove. Here’s how to get through the difficult years ahead.

Keep your TV remote on a lanyard

Wear your TV control around your neck – and make your family do the same – so you can switch it off at the first sign of Gove’s unbearably smug face or irritating pipsqueak voice. Soon you’ll have it down to 0.001 seconds. 

Build up your tolerance to Gove

In much the same way that SAS recruits get roughed up by their colleagues in case they get captured for real, immerse yourself in Gove and hope you become hardened to him. Spend hours watching his speeches and looking him up on YouTube, and maybe even read some articles by Sarah Vine. Just try not to go completely insane. 

Avoid Gove ‘triggers’

Stay away from anything that will remind you of Gove. This includes garden centres, with their large stocks of gnomes; Harry Enfield repeats that might feature the character ‘Tory Boy’; and, of course, the old children’s TV character Pob.

Go ‘off grid’

Live in rural isolation with no phone, computer or TV. If you turn into a weird survivalist nutter with an unhealthy interest in conspiracy theories and bomb-making, it’s still infinitely preferable to ever seeing one of Gove’s cocky Channel 4 interviews again.

Give yourself a lobotomy

If it’s a choice between staring vacantly into space with only a dim recollection of where – or who – you are, or listening to Gove, it’s a total no-brainer. You probably don’t own an orbitoclast, but some knitting needles off Amazon will probably do the job.