How to survive five more years of Michael f**king Gove

THE Tory victory means we’ll be seeing more of Britain’s most irritating twat, Michael Gove. Here’s how to get through the difficult years ahead.

Keep your TV remote on a lanyard

Wear your TV control around your neck – and make your family do the same – so you can switch it off at the first sign of Gove’s unbearably smug face or irritating pipsqueak voice. Soon you’ll have it down to 0.001 seconds. 

Build up your tolerance to Gove

In much the same way that SAS recruits get roughed up by their colleagues in case they get captured for real, immerse yourself in Gove and hope you become hardened to him. Spend hours watching his speeches and looking him up on YouTube, and maybe even read some articles by Sarah Vine. Just try not to go completely insane. 

Avoid Gove ‘triggers’

Stay away from anything that will remind you of Gove. This includes garden centres, with their large stocks of gnomes; Harry Enfield repeats that might feature the character ‘Tory Boy’; and, of course, the old children’s TV character Pob.

Go ‘off grid’

Live in rural isolation with no phone, computer or TV. If you turn into a weird survivalist nutter with an unhealthy interest in conspiracy theories and bomb-making, it’s still infinitely preferable to ever seeing one of Gove’s cocky Channel 4 interviews again.

Give yourself a lobotomy

If it’s a choice between staring vacantly into space with only a dim recollection of where – or who – you are, or listening to Gove, it’s a total no-brainer. You probably don’t own an orbitoclast, but some knitting needles off Amazon will probably do the job.

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Corbyn to reflect on what 'p*ss off you beardy Red twat' could possibly mean

JEREMY Corbyn has announced that he and Labour are in a ‘process of reflection’ on what voters mean by telling him to ‘p*ss off’. 

The Labour leader has confirmed he will not lead the party into another election but he will continue to guide them while they work out what ‘we’d rather have that lying fat pr*ck than you’ is actually saying.

Corbyn said: “I’ve always said how important it is to listen to ordinary voters. It’s just that ‘Shove your 70s bullsh*t up your a*se sideways’ isn’t easily understood.

“So, for the next few months, we’ll be unpacking statements like ‘we hate you’, ‘this is all your fault’ and the short, pithy ‘get f**ked’ and trying to make sense of them.

“I will also, during this process of reflection, ensure that my hard-left colleagues tighten their stranglehold on the party and decide my replacement because who better? The Blairites? No thank you.

“I still think ‘Go and die, Obi Wan F**knuts’ could well mean ‘your manifesto is hugely popular and you’re the man for us’. If given the correct Marxist reading.”