How to take a wild guess at what the f**k 'levelling up' means for your town

WONDERING what the blazes ‘levelling up’ means for your town? The government won’t explain, so here’s how to take a wild guess.

Step 1: Set your hopes high

Decades of failing industry, austerity and general political neglect may have decimated your town, but this mysterious new agenda will definitely fix it all at once. It won’t be like the Big Society or any other similarly vague initiatives that ultimately achieved f**k all. Absolutely not.

Step 2: Don’t worry about the details

Look, the government has realised that there is quite a lot more of the UK outside London and think they should probably offer these areas some cash if they want to cling onto power. It doesn’t matter that you don’t understand what levelling up is. They don’t either, but you’ll be the first to know when they figure it out, okay? Just relax and listen to them talk about how great it’s going to be.

Step 3: Set your hopes even higher

You knew this thing was going to be good, but after seeing Michael Gove chatting away enthusiastically about it on breakfast telly you now realise it must be spectacular. The flying cars will be descending into the Midlands and holograms delivered to Cornwall any day.

Step 4: Receive ‘initial funding’

Word will spread that the allocated money has arrived, and it turns out to be a tiny cut of the small change left over from HS2. What should be done with this insultingly pitiful amount? Ultimately, some bollards will be moved around in the town centre and the library will open three days a week instead of one. You’re welcome!

Step 5: Be grateful, you pleb

It will be quietly mentioned that no more money is coming, despite there being no discernible change to the issues facing your town. But you’ve had some cash so you’d better stop moaning, you miserable, grasping provincial gits. Consider yourselves levelled up! Oh, and vote Conservative.

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Woman 'listening to what her body needs' eats entire packet of Hobnobs

A WOMAN who is trusting her body to tell her what to eat has discovered it wants an entire sleeve of biscuits to be consumed in one sitting.

Kelly Howard recently became an expert on the practice of intuitive eating after reading a whole Facebook post about it. This extensive research led her to conclude that the best choice of afternoon snack was 16 Hobnobs in a row.

Howard said: “Traditional advice about five-a-day is all well and good, but if we took the time to listen to what our bodies are asking for we’d find that they don’t want to eat a parsnip or a kiwi fruit. Because they’re vile.

“So I’m trusting my body’s signals to direct my food choices. I will acknowledge hunger cues, like fancying half a block of Cornish Blue melted onto potato waffles. And I will listen when it tells me I am full, which seems to be never.

“And being mindful in this way isn’t just about eating. For example today I have been non-judgementally tuning into my body’s natural rhythm, which involves eight hours of lying down watching telly with occasional trips to the fridge.

“Now my body is telling me I need more Hobnobs and I’ve just gone on the Tesco website to discover they’re on special offer. Isn’t nature amazing?”