WANT to transform your dreary, underpaid job into a fountain of cash like a Tory MP? Just follow these steps:
Keep pissing off to another job or jobs
If your office job only pays a measly £82k, don’t settle. Get another job, or jobs, and take full pay for each. Obviously don’t work the full hours for any of the jobs. That would be ridiculous.
Work from wherever the f**k you want
Former attorney general Geoffrey Cox chose to work from a Caribbean island, to avoid distractions while aiding them in tax avoidance. Likewise your ability to work won’t be affected by being based in Venice, Centreparcs Sherwood Forest, or Alton Towers.
Demand a ridiculous amount of money
The figure should sound as though plucked from thin air by someone who learnt what money was that morning, eg. £15,000 an hour. Employers will no doubt offer even more to hang on to a highly skilled employee of your calibre.
Employ family members and people you want to shag
Blatant nepotism is a real boost to household income for essentials like skiing holidays. Pay £40,000 to your partner, kids or better still, hire someone you’re keen to bone. It’s an unhealthy power relationship that will lead to fantastic sex.
Seek out dodgy perks
Justifiable expenses are for the weak. Yours should have no fathomable connection to your jobs, for example a heated swimming pool with retractable roof, a cellar full of rare French cheeses, or a home cinema for your dog.
Furiously refuse to accept you’re doing anything wrong
If anyone questions your bizarre and self-evidently corrupt set-up, doggedly insist it’s them who’s wrong. Eventually your righteous indignation will gaslight them into believing working three hours a week as a consultant is normal. Going the extra mile, even.