YESTERDAY I saw a man of unimpeachable morals exonerated before a corrupt, petty court of liars. If you prefer that to actual reality, follow these tips:
Prejudge
Being objective can stop you being proven right. Like me, decide in advance this is a show trial and the select committee is a biased anti-Brexit kangaroo court usurping the will of the people and their hero Boris. Any anti-democratic criticism of Boris just confirms it.
Rearrange reality
The past is only an obstacle if you remember it correctly. Don’t do that. Let the past be as malleable as clay, so when Boris says ‘workplaces were free to make their own decisions about holding leaving parties’ you’ll nod along as violently as if your scarf was caught in a sewing machine.
Black out
Whether using certain liquid aids or shorting out your neural pathways with irreconcilable contradictions, going blank is a real helper. You might be staring at the TV eyes open but there’s nothing reaching your cognitive faculties to cause unnecessary doubts. You’ll genuinely reach the end feeling vindicated.
Have faith in faith
If a man – a wonderful, caring, golden blessing of a man – acted in good faith and did what was right in his heart, who are we to doubt him? If he knew, despite any piffling evidence, he and his hard-working underlings had done everything possible to follow the guidelines, then he did not lie. He cannot lie. He is the only truth.
Be in love
We’re always hearing that ‘love is love’ from the liberal media when race or gender are involved. But what of the most natural love of all; that of a woman for her man? A man who, to his most devoted, adoring, unrequited admirer, can do no wrong? Simply be in love and yesterday’s performance was Samson breaking his chains, Moses leading his people and Christ on the cross. He’ll leave her for me. He will.
