How to watch that and think that he won, by Nadine Dorries

YESTERDAY I saw a man of unimpeachable morals exonerated before a corrupt, petty court of liars. If you prefer that to actual reality, follow these tips:


Being objective can stop you being proven right. Like me, decide in advance this is a show trial and the select committee is a biased anti-Brexit kangaroo court usurping the will of the people and their hero Boris. Any anti-democratic criticism of Boris just confirms it.

Rearrange reality

The past is only an obstacle if you remember it correctly. Don’t do that. Let the past be as malleable as clay, so when Boris says ‘workplaces were free to make their own decisions about holding leaving parties’ you’ll nod along as violently as if your scarf was caught in a sewing machine.

Black out

Whether using certain liquid aids or shorting out your neural pathways with irreconcilable contradictions, going blank is a real helper. You might be staring at the TV eyes open but there’s nothing reaching your cognitive faculties to cause unnecessary doubts. You’ll genuinely reach the end feeling vindicated.

Have faith in faith

If a man – a wonderful, caring, golden blessing of a man – acted in good faith and did what was right in his heart, who are we to doubt him? If he knew, despite any piffling evidence, he and his hard-working underlings had done everything possible to follow the guidelines, then he did not lie. He cannot lie. He is the only truth.

Be in love

We’re always hearing that ‘love is love’ from the liberal media when race or gender are involved. But what of the most natural love of all; that of a woman for her man? A man who, to his most devoted, adoring, unrequited admirer, can do no wrong? Simply be in love and yesterday’s performance was Samson breaking his chains, Moses leading his people and Christ on the cross. He’ll leave her for me. He will.

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Girlfriend ticks 'blowjob' off her list of monthly chores

A WOMAN has proudly placed a big tick next to the most tedious task on her monthly to-do list, it has emerged. 

Having put it off for weeks, Lauren Hewitt is pleased with herself for knuckling down and finally getting the unpleasant job of fellating boyfriend Jack Browne out of the way.

Hewitt said: “I’d been keeping myself busy doing chores I prefer, like fishing pubes out of the shower drain and bleaching the wheelie bin, but after that I had to roll up my sleeves and get on with it.

“Yes, it only takes ten minutes if I put my back into it, but it’s still a hassle when I could be doing something more interesting, like having a quick nap.

“That’s still ten boring minutes of putting a weird-tasting thing in your mouth and gagging if he gets a bit keen. Plus you’ve got to brush your teeth afterwards.

“It’s not like there’s anything in it for me. At least when I’m grouting the bathroom tiles or descaling the kettle I feel a sense of achievement. The only feeling this gives me is neck ache and an unpleasant taste.

“Still, it’s done for another month now. Not only am I great in bed, I didn’t leave it nearly as long as I did getting a bloke to clean out the gutters.”

Browne was unavailable for comment due to falling asleep straight after.