I must question your definition of 'shagging someone else'. By Boris Johnson

PEOPLE often remark on my superb grasp of facts and skill in pursuing an argument. Which is why I must refute your claim that I was clearly humping someone else in our bed.

Much as I demolished Harriet Harman’s Partygate allegations yesterday, so too must I forcefully question your view that my flabby arse repeatedly bouncing up and down on a naked 22-year-old Tory party researcher was in some way ‘sexual’.

First, let us define ‘shagging’. That most learned of websites The Urban Dictionary describes it as putting an erect penis in a woman’s vagina. But from your location standing at the bedroom door calling me a ‘f**king scumbag wanker’, can you be sure that took place?

Was I erect? No, due to the large amount of wine I’d drunk earlier. Semi-erect at best, so whatever took place was not ‘shagging’ by the definition we have agreed upon. 

Moreover, sexual intercourse is associated with feelings of pleasure. The researcher in question later remarked it was ‘like f**king a walrus with poor oral hygiene’. Does that sound pleasurable? No. Ergo, we did not shag.

As I established yesterday, aggressively splitting hairs, pointless waffle and questioning incontrovertible facts are how one proves one’s innocence. Can you even be sure it was me porking away wheezily and not an imposter – or a hallucination caused by a malfunction of your own brain? You are blonde, after all. 

Aristotle once said ‘Plato is dear to me, but dearer still is truth’. I don’t know what half this Greek bollocks means because I just memorised it at school, but the point is: I’m cleverer than those Greek bumboys, so what I say must be true.

With same respectful tone I showed yesterday, I want a beef sandwich, a decent Merlot and a blowjob, so get cracking with those, hot tits. What do you mean, you’ve already spoken to a divorce lawyer? Shit, not again. I’d only just finished paying for the last one.

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Heavy metal, reggae and other music you never hear belting out of cars anymore

IF someone’s getting on your tits playing stupidly loud music in their car, what are they belting out? Grime. Trap. R&B. So what happened to the traditional music you used to hear at traffic lights?

Power ballads

Celine. Whitney. Mariah. The sort of belters that could dry wet hair in 20 seconds. But who is delivering these plodding misery-fests now, apart from Adele? Have young people simply decided such ballads are a load of histrionic rubbish? Well done. We’ll forgive you for TikTok for that.


Punk tore 1970s rock a new bumhole, making the prog dinosaurs extinct overnight and mercifully stopping music being Yes and Genesis for the rest of time. Did punk lose its impact due to anarchy totally not happening? Would you rather watch something good on streaming than listen to Sham 69 while inhaling glue? To be honest, yes.


In the 1980s reggae was as ubiquitous as legwarmers. Everybody wanted to be reggae, white people especially – The Police, Kate Bush, Paul Nicholas out of Just Good Friends. But then, like Cannon and Ball and Little and Large, the reggae just stopped. What happened? It’s a sad day for multiculturalism when people don’t want to listen to the authentic Jamaican sound of Sting. 

Heavy metal 

Time was when heavy metal seemed to be the all-conquering, dominant music of the age. Then Whitesnake, Iron Maiden and their ilk faded away, taking with them their poodle perms, elongated tongues, spandex, Satanism-lite and pointless guitar solos. Pity today’s generation, who may not turn into gurning, taste-free idiots who think all women should wear miniskirts and thigh-length boots. Or in the case of Alice Cooper’s Poison video, just go topless.

Shakin’ Stevens 

Once ‘Shaky’ dominated the UK like Shake n’Vac. We were simply living in the world he had immaculately carved out with his twinkle-toed moves, a Welsh take on rock’n’roll that was better than Elvis. And yet current generations ignore his genius. Do they not want easy-listening ersatz rock’n’roll a mere 70 years after it was popular? They’ll be saying they’re not into banging harpsichord concertos next.