I am Gary Lineker. I am the centrist Christ

THE sins of mankind, and in particular Tory voters, condemned the people. But one man was sent to suffer for their sins. I am Gary Lineker, your centrist Christ. 

For my views, anodyne and New Labour as they are, I am martyred. For a single tweet comparing the government’s inflammatory language to that of 1930s Germany, my flesh is scourged and my position as football presenter is under threat.

For the crime of believing that seeking asylum is not necessarily illegal, according to the 1951 Refugee Convention adopted by the United Nations, I am marched to my Calvary.

And that is not my only centrist belief. I believe that Brexit was mis-sold to the public and is going badly. I believe that the parties attended by Boris Johnson were, indeed, parties. I believe that tax cuts for the rich during a cost-of-living crisis are fiscally and morally wrong.

It is for these beliefs, held by the majority of the country, that the rulers of this land believe I am a threat. It is for these beliefs that I am crucified.

Do not think I do not suffer. Though I have selflessly taken your suffering upon myself, I feel every agony. When Football Focus is replaced by Bargain Hunt, it is as if they make me wear a crown of thorns.

When Final Score is replaced by The Repair Shop, a spear enters my side. When all 5 Live’s sports coverage is pulled, I cry out to the very heavens.

When you see me at Leicester vs Chelsea at the King Power Stadium later today, do not pray for me. Pray for yourselves and the BBC that you believed in and can believe in again.

For I shall rise.

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Match of the Day to be on Ceefax

TONIGHT’S Match of the Day will be broadcast via live Ceefax updates, the BBC has announced. 

Following the withdrawal of all presenters, commentators, technicians, and unpaid interns from BBC football coverage, this evening’s highlights will be broadcast in the format of coloured text on a black background.

Director general Tim Davie, taking a brief break from posting in Tory WhatsApp groups, said: “For many years, the public enjoyed the thrilling experiences of matches on Ceefax. Now they’re back.

“All the best bits of today’s matches will be shown across two exciting pages under a vibrant blue-and-green blocky text logo.

“Cheer in triumph as Tottenham’s result is updated to 1-0, with the scorer coming when somebody’s typed it in on a BBC Micro 400 miles away. Groan in defeat as Brighton score a late winner and the number changes.

“It was good enough for millions of us for decades, so it’s good enough for Britain today. We have definitely made the right decision and I will not have to resign.

“That’s Match of the Day, live tonight on page 302. Thank you.”