HUMANITY stands trembling on the precipice of extinction. Only one courageous hero stands ready to save us. Only I, Boris Johnson.
After decades of world leaders ignoring the evidence and growing threat – and yours truly, with 20 years in government, was no exception – it is time to awake to the truth. We face annihilation unless I stand in its way.
Who else could carry this torch? Biden’s too old. Merkel’s too severe and she’s leaving. Trudeau did blackface. I’m blonde, charismatic and basically Flash Gordon.
I will take the carbon menace on. I, by virtue of my incredible charisma which works on all peoples and definitely not only on a small slice of English voters, will carry the hopes of the world on my shoulders.
Make no mistake, the world hangs in the balance. Our future is decided this very week. And I hate to say but the prognosis doesn’t look good until my prearranged narrative moves into its triumphant phase around Wednesday.
Carbon will be trounced, drubbed, and knocked into a cocked hat for swift disposal by Glasgow’s excellent binmen. The climate clock will be reset. Carrie will stop banging on about it. Everything will be alright again.
I will be re-elected and also, simultaneously, made Mayor of London. All opposition will disband. I will be named the world’s greatest saviour, easily thrashing Jesus and Tony Stark.
And when people say ‘Does this constant egomaniac self-aggrandising come from your deep insecurity?’ I will reply ‘No, not at all. Who told you that? They’re wrong.’