I didn't realise slamming a civil servant's nuts in a drawer was considered 'bullying', says Priti Patel

PRITI Patel has confessed she had no idea that Chinese burns, nutsack drawer-slammings and regular wedgies were what the weak considered ‘bullying’. 

The home secretary faces allegations of what civil servants call bullying and she calls ‘robust motivational techniques’, including getting your briefcase thrown onto the roof and swirlies. 

She said: “So calling a senior civil servant a four-eyed pisswipe who shags his mum is ‘bullying’ now, is it? Well I didn’t know. 

“May I remind you that some of these people insist they are ‘politically neutral’ instead of backing Brexit to the absolute hilt? If that’s not provocation I don’t know what is. 

“Yes, perhaps I did flush the occasional lunch down the toilets. Perhaps a few pairs of glasses got stamped on. Perhaps copies of the ministerial code left on my desk, with key passages highlighted, were returned smeared with excrement. 

“But I am a strong, decisive woman who demands a lot of my employees, and I don’t apologise for that. Now come here. Me and my gang are going to throw you in the bins.” 

Conservative MP Eleanor Shaw said: “Priti is not a bully and is a kind, wonderful person. When I hear her coming I definitely do not hide in the toilets.”

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'Just saying' and four other bellend catchphrases

NOT sure if the person you’ve started talking to is a complete bellend or not? Keep an ear out for these telltale catchphrases.

‘Just saying’

Traditionally included at the end of an incredibly withering observation to somehow absolve the user of guilt, eg. “You look like total shit, just saying.” What they’re really communicating is that they’re a passive-aggressive tosser who doesn’t have the guts to say what they mean. Just saying.

‘Sorry not sorry’

The apology version of whiplash. At first you think you’re getting the pardon you deserve, then before you know it it’s been cruelly snatched away. Show people who use this phrase just how meaningless it is by saying it after you’ve punched them in the face.

‘Bore off’

Presumably a shortening of ‘you’re boring’ and ‘f**k off’ that for some reason omits the best word. Predominantly used by cretins whose attention spans have been fried by the internet so anything that isn’t a TikTok video appears dull. Just say f**k off, it’s a timeless classic that doesn’t make you sound like a moron.


Bellowed by middle management types after accomplishing even the most trivial of tasks. Sent an email? Bosh! Closed their laptop? Bosh! Maybe it helps to drown out the nagging voice in their head that reminds them they never even tried to achieve their dreams, not really.

Anything from a meme

Blurting out “Shut up and take my money” or “That’s the tea” doesn’t transform you into a Wildean wit. And that’s saying something, because people who quote Oscar Wilde are in a bellend league of their own and usually get the habit bullied out of them by the time they finish studying their BA.