Saturday, 24th October 2020

I got shit A-levels and look at me now, says Gavin Williamson

EDUCATION secretary Gavin Williamson has reminded the nation that all he got was a BSc from the University of Bradford and look at him now. 

The minister comforted students awarded bad A-level grades by an algorithm by revealing that his own academic results were mediocre and now he is in high office. 

He said: “None of this Eton for me. I went to a state school, my grades weren’t fantastic and I never got a fancy degree. 

“I’ve had to work my way up through being a fireplace salesman, which I left under a bit of a cloud after an office romance that could have destroyed my marriage, and running a pottery firm in the shithole that is Stoke-on-Trent. 

“I only got into government 10 years ago. I supported May, who was hopeless. I supported Remain, but now I’m supporting Johnson, who’s heading for no-deal Brexit and is even worse than May. I got sacked as defence secretary but still I’ve risen to the top by being an utterly disposable yes man. 

“My own pitiful political initiatives have included a clampdown on car boot sales and smearing Corbyn with that Czech spy rubbish.

“I think all this shows that no matter what mistakes you make you can still succeed in life, as I will continue to do until I’m forced to resign when this whole back-to-school plan goes tits up at some point in November.”