'Sell a lung': Rishi Sunak's guide to riding out the recession

HI, Rishi fans. Everyone agrees I’m great but it looks like those pesky hard times have arrived. Sad face. Here’s how to make ends meet in the ongoing financial shitstorm.

Sell your organs

You don’t need your appendix and you can get by on one kidney, so why not chuck them on eBay and see who’s interested? Of course the big bucks will be in lungs. If your respiratory organs are in good nick there’s a huge market out there. Maybe keep one back for personal use though.

Be rich

Having lots of money is one of the best ways not to be poor. Time to get that top job at an investment bank NOW! Plus you can use your cash to buy fortifications for your home, which will come in handy when society collapses and mobs arrive wanting to eat your pets. With Brexit in January, we’re talking February 1st at the latest.

Rob a bank

Now that face masks are commonplace your bandit scarf won’t arouse suspicion when you enter the bank. It’ll still be difficult to keep a low profile while piling bundles of bank notes into a sack with a big pound sign on it, but nobody can lay a finger on you due to social distancing.

Invent a vaccine

We’ll buy it off you for £1,500 – and that is a promise. Can you be the person with no scientific training who manages to pull it off? We only need one vaccine so this really is a first-come-first-served deal though, so get cracking. And don’t just send us some bleach. That doesn’t work.

Hibernate for a few years

Line the cardboard box your fridge came in with some straw, chuck in a few Mars bars for nourishment, then settle down for a long snooze with your phone alarm set for the year 2025 at the earliest. When you wake up all of this will have blown over! Or got much worse. See you then! Rishi xxx.

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A-level results based on how nice your parents' detached house is

TODAY’S A-level results have been calculated using factors such as whether students’ parents own a big house, shop at Waitrose and have lots of books.

The government felt the highest estimated grades should simply go to the most privileged pupils, which is roughly how education works anyway. 

A spokesman said: “A double-garaged, seven-bedroom house with rows of shelves containing Tolstoy and Ian McEwan, plus regular Waitrose deliveries, pretty much guarantees an A*.

“At the other end of the academic spectrum, a pokey semi where the bookcase is used to store DVDs and Rustlers microwave burgers are consumed means a U.

“Of course these aren’t the only indicators of academic ability we’re using. Students whose parents own a massive silver high-tech fridge like a wardrobe are probably just naturally bright, so they’ll get at least a B.”

A-level student Josh Hudson said: “I was really worried because I failed my mocks due to doing almost no work for two years in favour of DJing in my bedroom and smoking weed.

“Luckily my chartered accountant parents really pulled something out of the bag by having a massive conservatory and regular skiing holidays. I’m a genius.”