I had one job, admits May

THE prime minister has acknowledged she was chosen to do one single task and has done nothing but fuck it up.

After returning from the Salzburg summit, Theresa May admitted her plan to definitely negotiate a Brexit deal this time had somehow turned into being told to piss off again.

She said: “I was made prime minister for Brexit and Brexit only, but two years on all I’ve done is make everything unbelievably shit. It’s like being a professional artist who can’t do faces.

“I set out my stall with a list of insane demands, I set the clock running, I destroyed my government’s majority and only then did I seriously look at the job in hand.

“Since then I’ve flailed, panicked, repeated the same nonsense and alienated everyone except my husband Philip, and I’m sure I’ve heard him muttering ‘bloody idiot woman, more likely’.

“And let’s not forget I was supposed to be ‘a safe pair of hands’. I’d laugh if I had anything resembling a sense of humour.”

She added: “At conference next week I may well destroy the Conservative party as well. That’s definitely the job of leader, right?”

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It's not 'treating yourself' if you do it all the time, say experts

CONSTANTLY treating yourself is not actually treating yourself, it is just what you do, scientists have confirmed.

Research by the Institute for Studies found that most Britons were confused by the concept of ‘treats’, with some treating themselves eight times a day or more.

Professor Henry Brubaker explained: “A takeaway once a week is a treat. A takeaway 14 times a week isn’t a treat, it’s being a fat bastard.

“Drinkers were the most confused, saying things like ‘I think I’ll treat myself to a glass of wine’. Frequently this would be followed by at least two more similar ‘treats’.

“Most treats were not a reward for anything. One woman constantly ‘treated’ herself to new tops for no particular reason, which means she was rewarding herself for merely existing.”

Study participant Eleanor Shaw gave a distressing account of how excessively treating herself caused her to lose her ability to enjoy cupcakes.

She said: “I’d treat myself to cupcakes at work for doing something demanding like turning my computer on. Once you add in all the other treats like new earrings I was on about 90 treats a week.

“Now cupcakes do nothing for me and if I want to treat myself I have to get an extra-large doner kebab, which is difficult to eat when you’re on the phone.”