I had one job, admits May

THE prime minister has acknowledged she was chosen to do one single task and has done nothing but fuck it up.

After returning from the Salzburg summit, Theresa May admitted her plan to definitely negotiate a Brexit deal this time had somehow turned into being told to piss off again.

She said: “I was made prime minister for Brexit and Brexit only, but two years on all I’ve done is make everything unbelievably shit. It’s like being a professional artist who can’t do faces.

“I set out my stall with a list of insane demands, I set the clock running, I destroyed my government’s majority and only then did I seriously look at the job in hand.

“Since then I’ve flailed, panicked, repeated the same nonsense and alienated everyone except my husband Philip, and I’m sure I’ve heard him muttering ‘bloody idiot woman, more likely’.

“And let’s not forget I was supposed to be ‘a safe pair of hands’. I’d laugh if I had anything resembling a sense of humour.”

She added: “At conference next week I may well destroy the Conservative party as well. That’s definitely the job of leader, right?”