I WAS fully behind Boris and his enthusiasm for casual racism and unlawfully suspending parliament. But this party thing really makes the government look bad, so I’ve submitted my letter of no confidence.
It was a difficult decision and I did not come to it lightly. I’ve always believed Boris to be a brilliant politician with a great sense of humour. After all, who doesn’t enjoy a bit of banter about letterboxes and piccaninnies? Such fun.
Despite this, I sadly cannot reconcile the suffering of the British public during lockdown with the activities of those working in Downing Street. It might seem odd, as I am able to reconcile other terrible things easily enough, such as writing off £8.7 billion of PPE procurement errors and £4.3 billion of Covid loan fraud.
But those things are under Rishi’s control, and I love Rishi. In fact, I think he’d be a brilliant prime minister. Did you hear that Rishi? I think you’re wonderful and would be amazing at leading the country. Oh, by the way, I also think I’d be a brilliant cabinet minister. Just something to think about.
But I digress. Law breaking, incompetence, sleaze, destroying the economy and slandering the opposition over Jimmy Savile might seem bad, but they’re not as bad as becoming unpopular and potentially losing me my seat as a Tory MP.
So I have decided the time has come for me to pretend that I have a moral backbone, submit my letter and sycophantically suck up to someone else who might favour me if they get the top job. Sorry, I mean, ‘serve the interests of my constituents who are rightly furious at being taken for fools by the Prime Minister’.