I loved the xenophobia and f**king the economy, but I draw the line at parties: A Tory MP explains his resignation letter

I WAS fully behind Boris and his enthusiasm for casual racism and unlawfully suspending parliament. But this party thing really makes the government look bad, so I’ve submitted my letter of no confidence.

It was a difficult decision and I did not come to it lightly. I’ve always believed Boris to be a brilliant politician with a great sense of humour. After all, who doesn’t enjoy a bit of banter about letterboxes and piccaninnies? Such fun.

Despite this, I sadly cannot reconcile the suffering of the British public during lockdown with the activities of those working in Downing Street. It might seem odd, as I am able to reconcile other terrible things easily enough, such as writing off £8.7 billion of PPE procurement errors and £4.3 billion of Covid loan fraud.

But those things are under Rishi’s control, and I love Rishi. In fact, I think he’d be a brilliant prime minister. Did you hear that Rishi? I think you’re wonderful and would be amazing at leading the country. Oh, by the way, I also think I’d be a brilliant cabinet minister. Just something to think about.

But I digress. Law breaking, incompetence, sleaze, destroying the economy and slandering the opposition over Jimmy Savile might seem bad, but they’re not as bad as becoming unpopular and potentially losing me my seat as a Tory MP.

So I have decided the time has come for me to pretend that I have a moral backbone, submit my letter and sycophantically suck up to someone else who might favour me if they get the top job. Sorry, I mean, ‘serve the interests of my constituents who are rightly furious at being taken for fools by the Prime Minister’.

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Competition: Define 'levelling up' and win 16,000 terraced houses

MICHAEL Gove here. I have to admit we rushed out ‘levelling up’ without actually deciding what it was. Here’s your chance to fill in the details and win a prize that’s no doubt thrilling for Northern oiks.

What concrete proposals are in place for levelling up so far?

A) Detailed plans to improve education, internet access and public transport.

B) F**k all. Maybe a few Northern towns can be given £150 for a flower display. Actually make it £20. Their huge broods of rat children will just vandalise them.

What would most improve lives in underprivileged areas?

A) Well-paid jobs in high-tech industries.

B) A statue of a famous Northerner, eg. Fred Dibnah, Jimmy Tarbuck, Andy Capp. Or we’ll just send out some plastic Union Jacks. We’re f**king obsessed with that.

What should happen to local high streets?

A) A new investment agency, like the ones the Tories scrapped, should bring in big chain chains and smart new coffee shops.

B) More betting shops so poor families can earn extra cash playing slot machines. Small businesses will be helped with free sheets of plywood for when they need to be boarded up.

What about other places?

A) Yes, it’s easy to forget it’s not just the North that needs funds. Places like Hastings should get money to tackle child poverty.

B) Yes, it’s not just the North. We’ll give the lion’s share of the money to places like Richmond upon Thames, where residents desperately need more private schools and bigger stables for their horses.

Now complete this tie-breaker in no more than 2000 words:

‘Michael Gove will make a fine prime minister, and is not a rancid little runt I’d like to drown in a sack, because…’

What you will win

Choose from any of these wonderful prizes:

● A lifetime’s supply of chips and gravy.

● 16,000 rat-infested Northern hovels.

● A shitty part-time job in a warehouse (subject to availability).

Finished? Send your entry to [email protected]