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Festivalgoers warned only to consume corporate-sponsored drugs

AS the summer festival season gets under way, organisers have warned against using ecstasy, cocaine and skunk that does not carry the logo of an official sponsor.

Festivalgoers are being urged to stick to corporate-branded narcotics at upcoming events including Manchester’s The Big Mong, Escape to the Former Trading Estate and Gurnfest.

A spokesman for promoters Beaufoy Industrial Ventures (Guernsey) plc, trading as F**ktheMan Ltd, said: “Deals with major importers mean we can provide all attendees with high-quality recreational drugs so they can be ripped to the tits in a safe, branded environment.

“Pills manufactured by ethical smoothie company Friendly Cow contain 5655mg of MDMA, just enough to make Four Tet’s bollocks seem really chilled and groovy.

“Inevitably there will be rogue individuals selling unofficial drugs, perhaps bearing the logos of companies not directly associated with the festival, perhaps more cheaply than at official suppliers.

“Be warned – these illicit pushers do not care about the corporate values of the companies their drugs are promoting, or whether they are consistent with the event’s overall brand identity. They will also make you have a massive anal haemorrhage in front of attractive girls.”

49-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “I’m taking my teenage daughters to Gurnfest this year, and it’s reassuring to know our drugs have a compelling marketing narrative.

“I do worry that it demonstrates the creeping corporatisation of music and degrades the experience of a shared response to art in a communal environment. But if I can get totally monkeyed I don’t give a f**k.”