Why is it here? What did we do wrong? The US guide to the US-hosted Cricket World Cup

THE USA is co-hosting a Cricket World Cup the average American knows f**k all about. Here’s a guide to the perplexing, tedious sport so beloved of British people:

Why the USA?

Who knows? Staging a global sports tournament in a country generally believed to be shit at it with no historically associated success is like Wales holding the World Cup of soccer, as Americans persist in calling it. The Cricket World Cup is being co-hosted by the West Indies and they are brilliant at cricket, so maybe the US team have picked up some extra skills by osmosis.

What are the rules?

One team hurls a ball at wooden sticks called stumps, while the other tries to hit it as far as they can. Players scuttle up and down the pitch to accumulate ‘runs’, and the team with the most runs at the end wins. It’s essentially baseball, but the pitch is a different shape and, because it was invented by the British, successes are rewarded with a restrained round of applause rather than a high school marching band performance with fireworks, which is what Americans seem to enjoy.

What is the terminology?

Absolutely mental, is what the terminology is. Americans should prepare themselves to hear about ducks, blobs, googlies, bunsens, dibbly dobblies, silly midwickets and all sorts of other nonsense obviously invented by a bunch of giggling English school boys with too much time on their hands. The commentary might as well be in Klingon, for all the understanding the average viewer will have of it.

What do the players wear?

British sports rarely require any special equipment, not even rugby where you could legitimately get your head squished by being jumped on by several huge men running very fast. But cricketers wear a helmet, pads that go from ankle to knee, and a slightly odd contraption called a box, which is a safety device that protects your privates from flying cricket balls but looks a bit kinky. They could surely have invented trousers with extra crotch padding by now, but the Brits love tradition, especially when it’s a bit weird.

Will there be any controversy?

It’s highly unlikely. Cricket is a very polite and quiet sport, associated with village greens, match teas, and your dad nodding off in front of the telly while the test match gently murmurs away in the background. The only controversy associated with cricket is ‘sledging’, which is essentially where the players gently bitch at each other like secondary school girls. It’s hardly The Rumble in the Jungle.

Who will win it?

It seemed unlikely at the beginning, but the US is doing surprisingly well, beating former champions Pakistan. Expect them to soon become the best in the world and completely take over cricket, introducing their own weird sporting traditions such as tailgate parties, cheerleaders and performances from Rihanna between overs. All of which would be a huge improvement.

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Sorry, didn’t realise you were all a bunch of history nerds

THE prime minister has apologised for leaving the D-Day service early but he was unaware that you were all a lame bunch of history swots. 

Having annoyed the whole country by skipping an event commemorating the 80th anniversary of the Normandy landings to do a self-serving interview with ITV, the prime minister has added insult to injury labelling you all tragic history boffins.

He said: “I bet you used to get a boner over Time Team as well, didn’t you? Pathetic.

“Look, I’m sorry for flying home from a dreary service about some olden times people, but my job is to look forwards, not backwards. If anything you should be applauding me for my drive and initiative.

“Everyone makes mistakes, so I was bound to make one eventually. It’s just unfortunate that my first and only misstep collided with your fusty obsession. We won, okay, no need to bang on about it forever.

“Should I not do my job on important historical dates? It’s the signing of the Magna Carta in a few days, would you like me to take that day off too? Or do you only care about the past if there are loads of movies made about it? Help me to help you.

“Anyway, some of us have jobs to do instead of dwelling sentimentally on the past. I look forward to you voting for me on July 4th.”