I'd have fought the Taliban with my bare hands, says silly-haired backbench Tory MP

A BACKBENCH Tory MP has excoriated the Afghan people for not starting a fist fight with the Taliban as he would have done in their position.

Norman Steele, whose hair looks like he was in Kajagoogoo, used the emergency parliamentary debate to criticise a nation who seem to have learned nothing of British spunk.

Steele said: “My nanny always told me that if you stand up to bullies they will very quickly back down. I think the Afghan people should have done the same.

“The difference between the coward and a hero like me is that the coward takes flight. I would square up and say ‘Come on then, you curs! Put down those AK-47s, let’s see how you fare in an honest scrap.’

“I guarantee that once they saw the cut of my jib and the jut of my chin, they would have turned tail and fled, probably crying out ‘Aiieeeee!’

“I do not think such spineless people should be allowed to apply for asylum in the UK. After all, now that we’ve left the EU, what use would they be in any future war against France, or Belgium?”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Five accurate 'Remoaner' predictions that Brexiters chose to ignore

SURPRISED by the problems of leaving the EU? You probably chose to ignore the issues foreseen by people you hilariously called ‘Remoaners’:

Supply chains will be disrupted

People who voted leave assumed that goods would continue to merrily trundle across the channel from a power bloc that still loves us really. But with Nando’s pulling down its shutters, Brexiters are forced to consider that maybe things aren’t going swimmingly. If only Remoaners had warned us. The shortage of Peri-Peri chicken is all their fault.

There’ll be a skills shortage

This idea was scoffed at during the referendum by Eurosceptics. By taking control of our borders we could recruit the best and the brightest, what could go wrong? It’s not like highly-skilled foreign workers will be repulsed by a country that has done the diplomatic equivalent of giving them the middle finger. Oh.

Ireland will be a total mess

Remoaners have spent the last few years screeching about how Brexit will rip up the Good Friday Agreement and make exporting to Ireland all but impossible. Thankfully the backstop magically fixed all that. Or was it the Northern Ireland Protocol? Who knows. It’s too complicated to make sense of so let’s continue to ignore it.

Firms will piss off to the continent

More than 400 financial firms have scarpered to the EU as a result of Brexit, a shocking development that nearly half the population knew was bound to happen. However the sky hasn’t literally fallen in which they definitely, 100 per cent said would also happen, so what do those metropolitan elite types know?

The NHS will get f**k all

Turns out that misleading statements written on buses aren’t legally binding, and the NHS isn’t going to get showered with the riches it was sort of promised by Dominic Cummings to win votes. Anyone who pointed this out at the time though was a traitor and a saboteur, so it’s a good thing you didn’t listen to them.