If it's bad it's your problem, explains government

THE government has explained that anything good which happens in Britain is all Boris Johnson but anything bad is your fault and your problem. 

It gave the example of a rise in Covid deaths being the fault of people not coming forward for booster jabs they are not yet eligible for, while decreases in Covid are down to Johnson’s incredible vaccine programme. 

Heath secretary Sajid Javid said: “It’s perfectly simple. The truck driver shortage is bad, therefore it’s not our fault. Did I remind you it’s going on all over Europe for the billionth time?

“However, truck driver pay going up as a direct result of said shortage is good, so that’s all thanks to Boris. He’s been passionate about lorry drivers’ pay all his life, and you owe it all to him. 

“Historically low housing stock? Bloody builders need a kick up the arse. Rocketing house prices as a direct consequence? The Tories diligently looking after Middle England yet again. 

“If you die of Covid this winter, you’ve let us and your country down. If you live, you owe it all to our incredible leader and are morally obligated to vote for him. Got it?” 

Wayne Hayes of Weybridge said: “I understood it straight away. It’s exactly like the relationship I have with my wife.”

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'There's no spark' and other ways of telling your date you don't want to f**k them

STRUGGLING to find a polite way of letting your date know they absolutely won’t be getting laid tonight? Pull out any of these stock phrases.

You’re not over your ex

Give them the impression that you’re struggling emotionally with a recent break-up and that’s why they’re getting an Uber home alone, not the fact that they ate their bolognese like a rabid bulldog, and spent 30 minutes talking about how the Queen’s really a lizard.

There’s no spark

Nobody can argue with the absence of a ‘spark’ as it’s ludicrously vague. It lets your date leave thinking that it just wasn’t meant to be, rather than you being disgusted by the visible piss stains they had on their trousers when they came back from the toilet.

I see you more as a friend

While this may seem like a pretty kind let-down, give it even a second’s thought and it’s a real slap in the face. You’re basically saying that you enjoy their personality, but fundamentally find them too physically repulsive to ever consider sleeping with. 

I’ve got work in the morning

This will make your date think you’re too much of a consummate professional to jeopardise your career. Really they should take the fact that you’re putting your 11am shift at the counter of the juice bar above the prospect of having sex with them as a grave insult. 

We’re not compatible

‘Compatibility’ has nothing to do with whether or not you’d like to shag someone. However, your date doesn’t need to know this. Although maybe they’d have stood a better chance if they hadn’t spent the entire film making annoying ‘That’s what she said!’ jokes.