ANGRY balloon-faced Tory MP Mark Francois has called for more respect in public life, despite not having a spotless record himself. Here’s what he’s demanding.
Don’t use inflammatory language
Just don’t. I did say ‘We’re signing your death warrant’ to a Remain protester, but that was obviously a harmless metaphor and if you don’t understand that you’re clearly a thick-as-shit leftie or a humourless kraut Nazi.
Ban everyone from Twitter
Twitter is used to criticise MPs, so everyone must be banned from using this popular resource. Apart from politicians like me, who need it for important Poppy Day posts to shame unpatriotic traitors.
Drop the aggressive body language
When I childishly tried to stare out Will Self like I was going to hit him and mimed cutting Theresa May’s throat that was ages ago so it doesn’t count.
End online anonymity
The internet would be much safer if people had to use their real names. And give their address and phone number. Also it will be easier for MPs and right-wing journalists to hound insignificant members of the public and get them sacked. That’s obviously the right thing to do.
Stop undermining MPs
Anything at all that undermines MPs puts them at risk. This isn’t some dubious ‘slippery slope’ argument – think of the number of times you’ve said ‘That bloody cat!’ when it’s miaowing to be let in, and before you know it you’re drowning it in the canal.
World War 2 bantz is fine
So what if I referred to ‘Juncker in the bunker’? Lighten up, Jean-Claude, and see the funny side of a legitimate democratic politician being compared to a brutal dictator with a murderous hatred of Jews.