If you only knew how racist we really are, sigh right-wing voters

THE right-wing voters the Conservatives are wooing with a 25 per cent cut in legal immigration are shaking their heads at this woeful underestimate of their prejudice. 

Voters for whom Churchill’s past as a murderous white supremacist only makes them like him more have confirmed they will not be won round with tougher visa rules and a Rwanda treaty.

Bill McKay, aged 66, said: “Have they not been listening? Did Brexit mean nothing to them?

“A 25 per cent reduction in legal immigration is a boot in the nutsack as far as I’m concerned. 100 per cent is my bare minimum, then we start the deportations.

“A treaty declaring Rwanda safe? They think I want it to be safe? I’m heartbroken it’s landlocked because it means they’re not getting eaten by sharks. And why would we need a treaty? Fly in, kick them out, and piss off. Their laws don’t count. We’re Britain.

“I didn’t spend a decade voting UKIP to be patronised. All out, all the way, back to the 1950s but without the Windrush. If the care system and the NHS collapse that’s hardly my problem.”

He added: “However, I’m fiercely proud we beat the Nazis and love Suella Braverman. I’m a man of contradictions.”

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It's not shoplifting if it's a self-service checkout, woman claims

THEFT does not count as a crime if it involves a self-service checkout, a woman firmly believes. 

Susan Traherne, aged 35, knows full well that taking goods without payment is illegal and morally wrong, unless it happens at a self-service checkout when it could just as easily be human error.

She continued: “I’m hardly a shoplifter. They stick frozen turkeys down their jogging pants and get led away by security. I’m just unpracticed at scanning barcodes and miss a few.

“Honestly, if you’re at the self-service, doing all the hard work you should be earning minimum wage for, it’s just a little treat. A shopping bonus, if you will.

“You deserve a small chocolate bar or some button mushrooms or a widescreen telly for the arm-ache of swiping them. I get into a little rhythm of two for them, one for me, so that’s hardly unfair.

“Everyone does it, so it’s not a crime. What do they expect from me? Honesty?”

A Tesco spokesman said: “Still cheaper than paying staff.”