Saturday, 15th August 2020

Independent Group discovering they hate each other's guts already

MEMBERS of the Independent Group have discovered that now they no longer have their parties to moan about they really fucking hate each other.

MPs Anna Soubry and Angela Smith are no longer speaking after a two-hour argument about recycling coffee pods, and Chuka Umunna is furious the WhatsApp group has refused his nickname ‘Maverick’.

Former Conservative MP Heidi Allen said: “Everyone seemed like they were totally on the same page before we quit. Now we’re all in the same room together, God they're irritating.

“It turns out we’ve got fundamental differences on social policy, economic policy, foreign policy, whether Frasier jumped the shark after Niles and Daphne got together or later on, and even Brexit.

“I feel like someone who leaves their husband for a new guy, then discovers the new guy picks his nose and flicks it at the telly while commenting loudly about the size of everyone’s tits. Not naming anyone in particular.

“If we stick to just bitching about how fucking awful May and Corbyn are, we’re fine. Anything else? Difficult.”

Gavin Shuker, MP for Luton South, said: “In theory I want loads more Tories to join us. In practice? Not so much.”