It is unacceptable that Northern Ireland is separated from us by a sea, by Mark Francois

By Mark Francois, member for Rayleigh and Wickford and chair of the ERG

BACK in Neolithic Britain, when everyone voted Conservative, there was no sea between Britain and Northern Ireland. Who put it there? The EU. 

Determined to reduce our proud country no matter what the cost, they flooded the land between and divided a nation in two. Arrogantly they called it the ‘Irish Sea’, even though its waters are plainly British. 

And since that day they have continued to divide us. Whether with the ridiculous promotion of the ‘Irish language’ or the fool’s parade that is the ‘Irish identity’, the EU has never ceased attempting to separate us. 

Today they try again. The so-called president of the EU Commission – I don’t remember voting for her – is visiting us and colluding with Boris’s Brutus to sever our economic unity with the none-more-British state of Northern Ireland. 

Yes, that proud part of Ireland which refused to fall for the delusion that it was a separate country will be betrayed again. First the deeply unpopular Good Friday agreement. Now this. 

Well I, and my fellow Spartans, say no. Whatever the deal. No to a border in the Irish Sea and no to the Irish Sea. Get rid of this artificial barrier set up to deny Britain territory and greatness. 

We will brook no compromise with the EU. Drain that water. Ship it to the Channel, which could do with being a bit higher to stop migrants crossing it. No Irish Sea or no deal. 

This is the ERG’s new red line. We dare you to cross it. 

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'Men can't have female friends' claims man who's never had one

A MAN who has never been able to befriend a woman assumes it is a universal rule applicable to the rest of humanity, it has emerged.

Tom Logan of Uttoxeter is adamant that two people of the opposite sex are unable to mix except in a sexual or romantic setting, based on his own personal experience.

He said: “Shagging? Yes. Long, drawn-out flirtations that will inevitably lead to shagging unless the male is dismissed from work on a technicality? Yes.

“But no woman has ever even tried to pursue a friendship with me, nor I with them, for the simple reason that it’s not possible. Our brains are too different.

“Women aren’t capable of discussing subjects men care about, like football, lager, war and tits. Maybe a woman could be friends with a flamboyant gay man or a man with a butch lesbian, but even that’s pushing it. I reckon sex would still be bubbling below the surface.”

Friend Nathan Muir said: “The only man I know who can’t be friends with women is Tom, because he never speaks to them except to ask them out.

“My girlfriend thought he was really shy. He isn’t. He just can’t think of anything to say to a girl that isn’t ‘Do you fancy going back to mine?’ or ‘Nice arse’.”