It'll all be over by Christmas, says confident posh f**kwit who'll build you a nice memorial

A BLITHELY ignorant aristocratic f**khead has declared that the whole thing killing everyone will all be over by Christmas so no need to worry. 

The upper-class twit who likes big fancy dinners and privately-educated totty has confirmed that he will throw away your lives like pocket change then do you a nice stone memorial after.

He continued: “I may not fully understand what’s going on but I shan’t let that stop me.

“On August 1st I will order you all over the top into the jaws of death, ie back to the office, because we must save Subway, Pret A Manger, Barburrito and Southern Railways.

“A month after that your children will all return to the trenches because they’re fine, it’s probably not infectious, and you’ve all got herd immunity! A herd, like cattle. Like that Wilfred Owen poem I did at Eton.

“There’s no need whatsoever to be concerned that you’ll all be mown down in your millions and the survivors traumatised for life as this drags on for four years. How could that happen?

“They’ll be lovely memorials. There will be one in every town, covered in names. Anyway! Christmas to look forward to!”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man ruins meal by adding extra ingredients just for the hell of it

A MAN’S dinner tasted like shit after he decided to improve the recipe by throwing in random ingredients. 

Julian Cook, buoyed along by three cans of Stella, believed himself such a culinary natural that he inexplicably added various herbs and spices from the back of the cupboard to Jamie Oliver’s chicken tikka masala.

Wife Beverly said: “He was stood there adding a a pinch of this and a spoonful of that like he’s Gino bloody D’Acampo.

“He just kept on tossing things into the pan with a gleeful flick of the wrist, like some kind of a psychopathic chef making his own last meal.”

Julian said: “The recipe only had a few ingredients, I mean a child could have made it, so I thought I’d spice things up a bit.

“I added a pinch of basil, some paprika, a few spoonfuls of Tabasco and something called star anise. That’s what real cooks do. They go with the flow.

“Unfortunately, the end result was f**king awful. That’s the last time I’ll use a Jamie Oliver recipe.”