Woman in bad mood for last six years blaming it on period

A WOMAN who has not found anything positive in any aspect of her life or the world since 2014 has blamed it all on her period.

Charlotte Phelps believes her unrelentingly negative attitude and vindictive personality, with which she has punished friends and colleagues for years, are entirely down to pre-menstrual syndrome.

She said: “Nasty, uncaring people, which is most of them, say I’m not kind or understanding and that my behaviour verges on cruel. Which is unfair.

“Alright, I do get a bit ratty in the week before my period. Probably because I feel bloated. And I’m not great the week after because I’m hormonal, and I can be a right cow when I’m ovulating.

“But to victimise me because of my very womanhood is just horrible, so I’m entirely justified in pre-emptively lashing out at anyone judging me. It’s not my fault. It’s my period.”

Friend Helen Archer said: “Never mind. We’ll probably get a couple of breaks when she decides she’s being vile because she’s pregnant instead, then a good decade where she’s foul due to menopause.”

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Six unbelievably trivial things you cared about six months ago

IT’S fair to say 2020 has given us all a bit of perspective. Which is probably for the best, because back in January you gave a shit about these things:

That last Star Wars film

Remember piling into a packed cinema surrounded by hundreds of other nerds, then performing a lengthy post-mortem on that piece of shit in the pub afterwards? What a waste of everybody’s f**king time. Stop making the films? Stop making the films.

A flaky Tinder date

You matched, you flirted, but you never really knew how they felt. The bigger crime is that you wasted the last weeks of Covid-free shagging chasing this loser when you could have been knocking off someone who was at least up for it, even if they were sort of ugly.

Harry and Meghan

But how does William feel? But how does the Queen feel? But will they still have HRH titles? This genuinely counted as earth-shattering news when it happened. Now they’re just two more celebrities we resent seeing on Skype calls.

Christmas weight gain

Have your clothes shrunk or was it all those Quality Streets you stuffed into your face? Either way, you’ve got plenty of time to burn that fat off. It’s not like you’re going to be stuck indoors on your arse eating crisps and boozing for the whole year.

NHS underfunding

Boris Johnson’s been elected prime minister! He’ll cut NHS budgets, when they’re already overloaded with debt, to the bone! Or he’ll forgive all their debts and shovel in so much cash that an extra £3 billon of winter funding barely makes headlines.


Actually this one’s still a legitimate concern, with only five months left to iron out a negotiation or repeat all those bewildered-pensioner-in-empty-supermarket photos. But at least our benevolent leader is beavering away on it without anything diverting his attention.