It's our turn to elect a pr*ck, Britain agrees

BRITAIN has reluctantly agreed that it is our turn to elect a hilariously vain d*ckhead.

After years of laughing at the likes of Trump in the US and Berlusconi in Italy, Britain has admitted that Boris Johnson’s likely ascent to Downing Street only seems fair.

Nathan Muir of Bedford said: “Our last egomaniac prime minister wasn’t that bad except for Iraq. Now it’s time for the real deal, by which I mean a genuinely amoral sh*tbag like Boris.

“If we must have a laughing stock blundering around the world kissing dictators’ daughters and wrecking economies, we may as well have the best. Jeremy Hunt would be a pale imitation.

“Personally I’m hoping that during Boris’s incompetent reign Chequers is turned into a British bunga-bunga palace stocked with pale home counties girls.

“I’d also like to see him get his own Friday night chat show and openly thank Vladimir Putin for all his help. Let’s do it properly.”

Johnson said: “Once I’m PM we’ll have trade deals with my network of fellow vainglorious pr*cks worldwide, such as Trump, Kim Jong-un and that Philippines president who personally executes drug dealers.

“I may also go completely power-crazed and start erecting massive statues of myself everywhere. It’s not as if you weren’t warned.”

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Only consolation of miserable weather is knowing it will f*ck up festivals

BRITONS are cheering themselves up during the rainy weather by remembering it will make the lives of festivalgoers a misery.

Despite grey clouds and non-stop drizzle in June, the thought of festivals like this weekend’s Download turning into depressing quagmires is bringing a smile to people’s faces.

Donna Sheridan, 42, said: “Don’t get me wrong, the weather’s vile, but when you think of all those tossers in silly hats expecting their own personal Woodstock you have to chuckle.

“Sex, drugs and music? It’ll be wellies, sulky teenage girls, soggy fags and 20-year-old male virgins huddling together for warmth in their desperately inadequate Millets’ tents.

“At Download some of them will have been saving up for months for an overpriced ticket to see Def Leppard and Slayer. Although that’s just funny in itself.”

Festivalgoer Tom Logan, 18, said: “I’m not letting the weather affect my enjoyment. I only came so I could get a wristband and say I’d been to a festival, and now I’ve got a great anecdote about Josh getting frostbite.”