BORIS Johnson has decided to bring forward his wedding to Carrie Symonds to two o’clock this afternoon, he has announced.
The prime minister’s decision is in no way an attempt to deflect attention from Dominic Cummings’ revelations yesterday, but based on his extremely romantic nature.
Johnson said: “I’m hoping we can put behind us whatever it was that happened yesterday. I’ve already forgotten about it, and I hope you have too.
“What’s important is that we focus on this special afternoon and my betrothal to this wonderful young lady, er… Carrie. Yes, that’s right, Carrie, like the horror film.”
Johnson dismissed Cummings’ comments about herd immunity at the expense of the elderly and vulnerable to ensure his popularity in the polls as “whiffle piffle paffle”, and said he now just wanted to concentrate on being a good husband.
He continued: “While not watching the news at all yesterday, I was reminded of how important love is. Carrie’s a keeper – she got us that f**king hound, and he’s been a great distraction from this endless shitshow. Sorry, I meant ‘a man’s best friend’.
“Two o’clock. I’d ask the press to respect our wish for privacy by bringing as many photographers and cameras as possible. Dilyn’s going to be there.”