BORIS Johnson is to be wheeled in front of the select committee in a straitjacket on a gurney for the public’s safety.
To minimise the risk of him escaping and running the country again, the former prime minister will be transported to today’s Partygate hearing immobilised in a heavily-armoured van.
Detective inspector Norman Steele said: “You’ve got to watch out with this one. He’s got a tendency to charm people even though they should know by now it’s self-serving bullshit. So we’ve muzzled him, too.
“Even otherwise intelligent people can be lured in by his lame jokes, dubious use of Latin and carefully mussed-up hair, then before they know it they’re the next victim of his deranged, Machiavellian master plan.
“Ideally his communication would be limited to one blink for yes, two blinks for no. Unfortunately he’s got to explain his 52-page defence dossier, so we’ll have to listen to endless waffling evasions about how he misled MPs unintentionally, even though it’s obvious he knew what he was doing.”
Johnson hissed: “They only need drop their guard for a second, then I’ll slip away and be back in Number 10 by this evening. I’d sauté Rishi’s brains but that requires effort so I’ll just dial out for a posh Chinese.”
