Johnson to be wheeled in front of select committee wearing straitjacket

BORIS Johnson is to be wheeled in front of the select committee in a straitjacket on a gurney for the public’s safety.

To minimise the risk of him escaping and running the country again, the former prime minister will be transported to today’s Partygate hearing immobilised in a heavily-armoured van.

Detective inspector Norman Steele said: “You’ve got to watch out with this one. He’s got a tendency to charm people even though they should know by now it’s self-serving bullshit. So we’ve muzzled him, too.

“Even otherwise intelligent people can be lured in by his lame jokes, dubious use of Latin and carefully mussed-up hair, then before they know it they’re the next victim of his deranged, Machiavellian master plan.

“Ideally his communication would be limited to one blink for yes, two blinks for no. Unfortunately he’s got to explain his 52-page defence dossier, so we’ll have to listen to endless waffling evasions about how he misled MPs unintentionally, even though it’s obvious he knew what he was doing.”

Johnson hissed: “They only need drop their guard for a second, then I’ll slip away and be back in Number 10 by this evening. I’d sauté Rishi’s brains but that requires effort so I’ll just dial out for a posh Chinese.”

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Met applauded for their brave anti-woke stance

THE Metropolitan Police are taking a courageous stand against wokeness by being racist, sexist and homophobic.

After the release of Baroness Casey’s report, Tory MPs and the British public have thanked the Met for bravely fighting the dangerous threat of lefty snowflakes in favour of mild equality and not offending people.

Roy Hobbs, from Tottenham Hale, said: “Thank God someone is standing up for our great British traditions by stopping ethnic minorities, gays and bloody women thinking they can safely approach a police offer for help.

“If it wasn’t for the lionhearted efforts of the Met, people who belong to marginalised groups might feel unafraid to walk around the city they live in, especially at night. Where would we be then?

“The streets would be awash with rape, violence and corruption. I mean the bad kind, not the good kind practised by trained Met officers.

“Long may they continue abusing their power and bungling investigations. They truly are the best of us. Apart from if they do me for speeding. Then they’re out-of-control fascist pigs.”

Asked if she had a message for the Met, home secretary Suella Braverman cackled maniacally and shrieked: “Fly, my pretties, fly!”