THE celebration of Christmas for a full third of the year has long been an English tradition. But what many don’t realise is that for 13 years it wasn’t, because of mince pies. 

Oliver Cromwell, the Lord Protector of England who came to power in the Civil War and played a key role in executing King Charles I, is also famous for banning Christmas. But this was not for religious reasons but because of a trip to the shops. From his writings:

“Felt hungry so popped out to Waite & Roses, an upmarket retailer certainly but I feel with fewer worms and less sawdust in their comestibles than rivals.

“But what I saw there chilled me to the very bone. Mince pies, on the shelves, with Michaelmas not yet past and the harvest festivals looming? Has the world tipped into unreason?

“Looking further I spied tins of celebration sweetmeats at reduced cost, even though we all know full well the cost will be reduced further come November, and even puddings. Why would we insult the Lord by rushing through our time on His Earth like such?

“Keeping a lid on my simmering temper, I repaired to the playhouse where, to my chagrin, a performance of the side-splitting Two Gentlemen of Verona was interrupted by a short, incomprehensible playlet that was for perfume and another for Bailey’s.

“Rising from my seat in fury, I hastened to Parliament and convened an emergency sitting which concluded in an Act outlawing Christmas and all its celebrations. Including those dratted mince pies.”

Thankfully, the ban lasted only until 1660 when Christmas, along with the monarchy, was restored and Cromwell’s body was exhumed from his grave and hung outside parliament bedecked with baubles and fairy lights from mid-October every year.

Next week: to 114 BC, when the Silk Road first brings sexy underclothing made of non-hessian material to the world, creating concubines.