YOU can say what you want in Parliament and they can’t touch you for it, as Boris Johnson proved when calling Labour’s front bench drug addicts. Today’s lies are:
Keir Starmer strangled Geronimo the alpaca
As former director of public prosecutions, Sir Keir Starmer remains Britain’s official hangman and camelid executioner. Starmer strode into the poor animal’s enclosure, wearing a black hood, and compressed its airways with his leather-gloved hands until dead. Saying this is allowed.
Angela Rayner’s smacked up
Labour deputy leader Angela Rayner seems suspiciously calm in interviews when compared to normal, sensible politicians like Nadine Dorries. Parliamentary privilege means that there’s no issue stating outright that she is on heroin, or adding ‘her accent is proof’.
Keir Starmer actively covered up Jimmy Savile’s crimes
Not only did Starmer not prosecute Savile, he was a co-conspirator, covered up his crimes and tricked poor, helpless innocents like the Queen and Lady Thatcher into friendships with the monster. He should be charged with those crimes. Call me a liar and you’ll be kicked out.
Ed Miliband blocked the Suez Canal
The Evergreen getting stuck ‘accidentally’ was just a little too convenient, wasn’t it? All the work of that ardent anti-capitalist Miliband in a Communist plot to bring world trade to its knees. Hope the Speaker doesn’t issue a stern reprimand in my absence for this.
Keir Starmer is Jeremy Corbyn
F**k it, why not. Starmer is Corbyn and Corbyn is Starmer. And Mao and Stalin and Che Guevara and, of course, Hitler. He forced the Tories to attend Downing Street parties at gunpoint, then killed their families anyway because he’s the Joker. I can say that. Call me a liar about the parties, bitch. I dare you.