Fight or flight: what to do when encountering a Northerner

SUDDENLY finding yourself in proximity to a northerner can be an agitating experience. But run or engage in combat? Denys Finch Hatton explains: 


When the body senses a Northern presence – whether through accent, odour, or the eating of chips – it triggers a sense of hyperarousal. An instinctive reaction is to flee but the Northerner may give chase. However their heavy boots, good only for mining or tilling fields, cannot compete with the hand-stitched Italian leather footwear facilitating your rapid escape.


Launching an attack on a Northerner is imprudent. They are rugged and proficient at wrestling their meals to a quick death. The ensuing onslaught will most likely result in you being incapable of golfing for months.

Stand perfectly still

Like snakes, Northerners have limited vision otherwise they would die of terror on viewing Bolton. Stand still like an amusing human monument and you will be rendered invisible. But any sudden movements before the northerner has departed and you’ll be torn apart like fresh-baked focaccia.

Offer food

Be prudent as to what. Only provide pie, offal or, to drink, gravy. Anything like a croissant or falafel balls will confuse and anger the Northerner. Pancetta-wrapped sea bass will spark their own fight-or-flight reaction and you risk being killed.


It is possible to engage a Northerner in conversation as the explorer Richard Francis Burton proved in 1849. But it remains dangerous. Their flat vowels will cause you to shudder or you may be conversing with a rural variant lacking the vocal dexterity for consonants. The wiser man simply nods.

Denys Finch Hatton is the author of What To Do When You Hear Welsh, The Cornish: Pixie or Human? and A Wild Scotsman On The Dissecting Table. 

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Inspirational man completely reverses effects of Dry January in single day

A MAN who gave up booze for a month has already successfully undone all of the positive effects of his abstinence.

Joe Turner of Gateshead took part in Dry January for the first time this year and experienced an incredible transformation. His skin lost all its habitual redness, he stopped waking up on roundabouts at 3am, and his liver began to heal.

But in an inspiring bout of excessive drinking, Turner managed to completely cancel out every single positive effect eliminating alcohol had provided him in less than 24 hours.

He said: “It’s Dry January for a reason. It implies a duty to start drinking the moment February begins. I’m not a mug.

“Yes, I might have felt better, looked better and been a better husband and father – but that first sip of beer was nothing short of heavenly. The next 7,000 were pretty great too.

“And I had to drink a staggering amount to make up for those 31 lost days. Around 5am I got up onto the worktop in the kitchen and sang Young Americans by David Bowie. I’ll cherish that vague memory forever.

“I’ll admit it was a novelty waking up not feeling like shit, but there’s something incredibly comforting about being my normal, drunken self again. Like putting on a pair of warm, piss-soaked slippers.”