SUDDENLY finding yourself in proximity to a northerner can be an agitating experience. But run or engage in combat? Denys Finch Hatton explains:
When the body senses a Northern presence – whether through accent, odour, or the eating of chips – it triggers a sense of hyperarousal. An instinctive reaction is to flee but the Northerner may give chase. However their heavy boots, good only for mining or tilling fields, cannot compete with the hand-stitched Italian leather footwear facilitating your rapid escape.
Launching an attack on a Northerner is imprudent. They are rugged and proficient at wrestling their meals to a quick death. The ensuing onslaught will most likely result in you being incapable of golfing for months.
Stand perfectly still
Like snakes, Northerners have limited vision otherwise they would die of terror on viewing Bolton. Stand still like an amusing human monument and you will be rendered invisible. But any sudden movements before the northerner has departed and you’ll be torn apart like fresh-baked focaccia.
Be prudent as to what. Only provide pie, offal or, to drink, gravy. Anything like a croissant or falafel balls will confuse and anger the Northerner. Pancetta-wrapped sea bass will spark their own fight-or-flight reaction and you risk being killed.
It is possible to engage a Northerner in conversation as the explorer Richard Francis Burton proved in 1849. But it remains dangerous. Their flat vowels will cause you to shudder or you may be conversing with a rural variant lacking the vocal dexterity for consonants. The wiser man simply nods.
Denys Finch Hatton is the author of What To Do When You Hear Welsh, The Cornish: Pixie or Human? and A Wild Scotsman On The Dissecting Table.