I’M Keir Starmer, here to present a radical vision for Labour which won’t offend the racists and bigots who would never vote for me anyway. Here’s my plan:
Don’t condemn the Conservative’s worst policies
I want to appeal to everyone, including the type of person who thinks they’re ‘indigenous’ to the United Kingdom, so I’ll hedge my bets on everything, including sending refugees to Rwanda. I’ll vaguely criticise it to appeal to my core voters but not promise to scrap it completely so borderline racists might still give me a chance. Radical, huh?
Slag off your own side
If there’s one thing that appeals to Tories, it’s calling Jeremy Corbyn a twat. No matter that I was in his shadow cabinet or campaigned for him to Prime Minister, I’m prepared to throw anyone under the bus if I think it will win me votes. But in a more caring and compassionate way than Boris Johnson, obviously.
Use topical cultural references
Nothing wins hearts and minds quicker than using topical cultural references to make witty jokes about the opposition. That’s why I chose to reference the 1983 film Return of the Jedi at PMQs. I also talked about Love Island, which wasn’t at all like a tedious old uncle trying to engage with his teenage relatives by asking about ‘the TikToks’.
Get behind Brexit
No matter if the country is f**ked every which way from Sunday, people who think the French are morally questionable bastards who smell of garlic will let themselves be shafted endlessly as long as they have their precious Brexit. So I’ll refuse to consider rejoining the Single Market, which will help nothing apart from the egos of some xenophobic old duffers.
Subvert the right wing press by sucking up to them completely
I’ll talk to right-wing press newspapers and make it seem like I believe all the things they believe in. But I won’t just lull them into a false sense of security, I’ll lull them into a genuine sense of security by actually meaning it and doing nothing to offend or disrupt the establishment. Why offer a genuine alternative when you can just peddle more of the same old shit?