Last five years don't count because I had my fingers crossed, says Sunak

RISHI Sunak has asserted that his last five years in government, covering his time as chancellor and prime minister, do not count because his fingers were crossed. 

The Conservative leader until July 5th maintained that, since he had cross kings the entire time, the electorate cannot judge him on his previous record and must take all his promises at face value.

He continued: “I promised there would be flights to Rwanda. At no time did I state ‘Simon says there will be flights to Rwanda.’

“Therefore I am legally entitled to a do-over. We mean everything we say as of… now. Oh, was Jonathan Gullis still talking? Okay… now.

“All previous electoral promises, like that nonsense about national service, are annulled and bringing them up is childish and beneath contempt. All future promises are serious, sober and made by a politician you could vote for.

“I am the only person who can fix the mess Britain is in, which was caused by persons unknown it is frowned upon to refer to. You’re lucky I’m here now, a young, exciting leader with an unblemished record. I mean it this time. Look at my hands.”

Nathan Muir of Mansfield said: “I voted for Boris with my fingers crossed. Also it was a joke.”

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This election needed twatting up. Enter me

THERE’S one thing this general election is a bit light on: huge twats. That’s why I’ve decided to return to the fray.

That’s right, I’ve not just taken the helm of the good ship Reform UK because this is an opportune moment to feast on the corpse of the Conservative party. I’m also here to liven it up with some much-needed twattishness.

I’ve been talking to young people up and down this great country, and twats are the one thing they’ve been crying out for. A five-year-old girl from Croydon even told me I’m the twat she’d vote for, if she were old enough.

Meanwhile the two main parties are fielding boring candidates that are woefully light on twattery. Sunak is unpopular but in more of an annoying nerd kind of way. It’s something to do with his irritating smile and habit of calling everyone ‘guys’.

Then there’s Starmer, who’s far too wary of upsetting potential voters to ever get close to being a twat. Even his apparent determination to nuke somewhere doesn’t qualify him. I keep telling him he needs to spout more bullshit dog whistle rhetoric to be in with a chance.

If this were a proper election then a Johnson-esque character would have done a stupid publicity stunt by now. Instead we’ve had to make do with some Lib Dems on a boat photobombing an interview, which doesn’t compare.

So, it falls to me to give this election a twattish kick up the arse. I think you’ll agree that I’m more than qualified for the job. Here’s to another month of me dominating the headlines and your TV screens before ultimately losing. Cheers!