Lee Anderson regretting defection to Reform after hearing Tory donor comments

MP Lee Anderson is regretting leaving the Conservative party after hearing comments by top donor Frank Hester, it has emerged.

The former Tory deputy chairman is kicking himself for defecting to Reform UK and leaving a party that was funded by a man who shared his proudly unwoke worldview all along.

Anderson said: “Is it too late to call the whole thing off? Nothing in the Reform UK manifesto compares to a bloke who donated £10 million to the Tories saying he wants to shoot Diana Abbott. I mean, wow.

“I thought I’d done the right thing by jumping ship to a party that accepted me for my insane theories about Islamists controlling London. But it turns out I was amongst racist friends all along. If only I’d known.

“I f**king love ill-judged comments, whether they’re about poor people, asylum seekers or Eddie Izzard. And they don’t come more ill-judged than Frank saying Diane Abbott makes him want to hate all black women. He’s a master at work.

“The government’s doubling down is the real kicker. It used to be me there feeling the heat of intense public disapproval. This is like seeing your ex with their new beau and realising you’ve made a massive mistake ditching them for another bird.

“Richard Tice has tried to cheer me up by giving me a dartboard with Sadiq Khan’s face on it as an onboarding present, but it’s just not the same.”

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Emergency plumber drunk on godlike power

AN emergency plumber with an exorbitant call-out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than Zeus, he has confirmed.

Due to offering a round-the-clock service, Bill McKay can toy with the fates of normal humans like a supreme deity looking down from Mount Olympus while holding an adjustable spanner.

McKay said: “Got a burst pipe and need urgent help? Water pouring through the ceiling at 2am? Call me, feeble underlings, and I will decide whether to bestow my mercy upon you.

“If I’m honest, being richer than Croesus simply because I know how to tighten the hose on a washing machine gets a little dull. To keep things interesting I have considered asking a man with a blocked toilet to fight a family with a flooded basement for who gets my services first.

“However, my missus says that would be even more morally dubious than tripling my hourly rate for a client just because I arrived at their place a second after 5pm on a Friday, when I should be down the pub.

“But it’s hard not to feel contempt for the pitiful idiots who could sort most of this shit out themselves if they learned what a stopcock is. So until they do I will continue to rule as an almighty king, while charging £320 an hour, plus VAT.”