Lib Dem victory would have been earth-shaking shock changing politics forever if it had been UKIP

TODAY’S Lib Dem by-election victory would be a seismic political event transforming the political landscape permanently if it had been UKIP, experts have agreed. 

Political commentators are in no doubt that a surprise UKIP by-election win of the kind which has yet to happen after 28 years would have upended British politics and confounded all predictions, but this is a Lib Dem win so meh.

Journalist Martin Bishop said: “A UKIP win? The streets of Chesham and Amersham would be six-deep with vox popping TV crews, desperate to find out why the ordinary man-in-the-street had revolutionised politics. A Lib Dem win? Not so much.

“I think we can already say this is a one-off protest vote by the polite and well-off that will be reversed at a general election. I haven’t asked any actual voters but that feels true.

“Yes it’s kind of weird that a safe Tory seat has fallen unexpectedly, but it’s not like it’s such a big deal we should have Jo Swinson on Question Time. She’s not the leader? It’s not like we should have whoever the Lib Dem leader is on Question Time.

“Blue Wall crumbling? Nonsense. Be serious. It’s just the Lib Dems.”

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Six songs it will physically pain you to discover came out more than 25 years ago

IN denial about your age? Make sure you’ve got painkillers to hand, because this list of quarter-century old songs will get your back playing up: 

Heart-Shaped Box – Nirvana

While it’s sad to think that Kurt Cobain would be 53 now, it’s tragic that grunge should be a staple of Steve Wright’s Non-Stop Oldies on Radio 2. Kurt died so we could have mortgages, 55” flatscreens and Volvo SUVs.

Linger – The Cranberries

If this Irish alt-folk bullshit sounds fresh to you, you went stale a long time ago. To your credit you’ve lingered and got to the age where each new year gained is a genuine achievement. Now go put some Voltarol on that broken heart.

You Oughta Know – Alannis Morissette

It’s bone-chilling to realise all the modern female artists sounding like Alanis are three decades removed from her, born of bitter sex-with-an-ex hook-ups to the sound of Jagged Little Pill. Grandmothers sing along to these vengeful tales of being f**ked over.

Saturday Night – Whigfield

Ah, you were a cynical student who mocked it. But you’re as far from Whigfield now as you were from The Beatles back then, and now you do the dance with your middle-aged mates as if you were never disdainful. If the air is getting hot these days, it’s probably a menopausal hot flush.

Breakfast at Tiffany’s – Deep Blue Something

God, remember the deep shame you felt as a teenager when your mum sang along to this in the kitchen and did a little dance like she was young? That’s your kids now when you say ‘I quite like this new Coldplay one’ and sashay your hips.

Mysterious Girl – Peter Andre feat. Bubbler Ranx

25 years. 25 years off one song and one I’m A Celebrity, and Peter Andre is still famous. You’ve got to hand it to the f**ker. Your boyfriend from back then’s had a hair transplant.