BORIS Johnson believes he can be prime minister again. Someone needs to explain to him these six reasons why he’ll be far, far happier when he isn’t:
He can make serious cash
Getting half-a-million a year for a lazy, tossed-off Telegraph column a week is forbidden when you’re leading the country, but the contract’s ready and waiting to be signed. Editor of the Evening Standard? Pissing off George Osborne while cashing in that favour from Lord Lebedev? Don’t mind if I f**king do.
He can stir the shit
And then there’s the memoir where you get to slag off every twat that kicked you out and destabilise their twat government. Serialised, of course, with fresh damaging revelations about Rishi, Javid, and every other prick who dared cross him making daily headlines. Will lose the Tories the election, but that’s their problem.
He can do something he’s good at
As a prime minister, Johnson was a f**king calamity. Out on your arse three years after a massive election victory is a towering negative achievement. But as an after-dinner speaker he’s gold, Latin jokes, roguish charm, fake bumbling and all. Plus he’ll get paid £100k a time and can cruise for a shag afterwards.
He can get back on the shagging horse
One of Britain’s most notorious shaggers has been stuck with the same bird for years now. He’s even had to marry her, because that’s what prime ministers do. Once out of office? The cock’s back out, entirely recovered from its sinus operation stroke vasectomy and ready to take on Tatler’s top totty.
He can go to America
Apart from dickheads who’ll pay £100k for a speech before he shags their wife, Britain’s sick of Boris. America, however, will lap that shit up. He says all the right-wing bollocks, he’s mates with Trump, he flatters all their prejudices about the posh English. Far better than dull woke Harry.
He won’t have to pretend to care
Giving half a f**k about others is not Boris’s strong point, because he never does and never has. Unfortunately, it was a key part of being prime minister during a pandemic. Come September he can drop all that and once again be the only person who matters in the entire world. What a relief.