Man watching BBC news as 'pure escapism' from Brexit

A MAN watches BBC news because it presents a calming, stress-free version of the actual ongoing catastrophe of Brexit.

Tom Logan tunes into BBC News 24 to bathe in the pretence that everything is just a distant Westminster stand-off that will probably be resolved when everyone sees sense.

Logan said: “If I read The Guardian or listen to informed podcasts I might be reduced to a state of utter terror about the terminally cack-handed disaster heading our way.

“I’d be petrified about medicine shortages, gridlocks and how unconcerned the government is about reducing my children to the status of 19th century urchins purely to preserve party unity.

“I love BBC news because there’s no hint of that in the tone of their reports. Everything’s just a big political wrangle that’ll be sorted out eventually, like Amazon sending you a damaged telly.

“They even have a wry chuckle at the personal ding-dongs and larger-than-life characters in parliament. It’s a massive relief to know I shouldn’t take Brexit too seriously.

“In the run-up to a nuclear war it’ll be the BBC I watch exclusively. I’ll be blown to smithereens and never know how or why it happened. My last memory will be of Fiona Bruce smiling at me.”

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Last person who isn't a recruitment tosser leaves LinkedIn

THE last person with a normal job has finally given up on the social network LinkedIn, it has emerged.

Graphic designer Julian Cook left the site after realising he was the only surviving person without a job title like ‘placement professional’ or ‘management headhunter’.

Cook said: “I scrolled through the timeline. Recruiters. I looked at my messages. Recruiters. I feel like prey that’s being stalked. By people off The Apprentice.

“My housemate from uni messaged me last week. I was looking forward to reminiscing about the old days but he’s a ‘talent acquisition professional’ now and just wanted to know if I was happy with my current salary.”

Experts say recruiters have been multiplying on LinkedIn since 2014, finally reaching ‘critical mass’ this week and driving out other users.

Recruiter Helen Archer said: “I’m a results-focused professional with a track record in linking quality candidates with blue-chip companies. But mainly I put people forward for anything if there’s commission in it.

“LinkedIn being mostly recruiters is a bit of a problem. I suppose we could just endlessly recruit each other but is that a bit weird, like professional incest?

“Wait, where did Julian go?”