Michael Gove’s 3am Aberdeen nightclub guide to government

IT’S 3am, I’m off my face in an Aberdeen nightclub and I’m the chancellor of the Duchy of f**king Lancaster. Here’s the lowdown: 

Boris Johnson

My best f**king mate. Yeah we’ve had our ups and downs and shit, who hasn’t? But that bastard might lie and cheat and you wouldn’t leave him alone with your wife, well I would because she’s a vinegary old bitch, but what was I saying? Boris. Top lad. Sound.

Matt Hancock

Go on, son. Go on. You’ve had a twat of a year, the wife’s got long Covid which she’s making out is your fault, and finally the hot aide comes through with the goods. Right there in the office. Legend. Did a shit job on the pandemic mind.


F**king car crash mate. Absolute shitstorm. You wait till f**king Christmas. Well we never thought it’d win did we? Eight weeks off work, lads on tour on a bus round the country to shaft Cameron and those thick bastards only go and vote for it. But you roll with the punches, you know?

Recreational drug use

Not saying anything. You won’t get me, I see your phone. Let’s just say the Tories are men of the people on this one, you know what I’m saying? Representing our constituents all the way. Jesus the shit Gideon used to get. So pure you got a nosebleed looking at it.

Scottish independence

All for it son. To the hilt. And Northern Ireland. Don’t tell the Queen, that’s all, but sooner the better. Love it up here, love it, but economically you’re 300,000 square miles of hills and dead weight. No offence but it’s facts.

Carrie Symonds

Hilarious. The trouble that dude’s dick gets him into. She’s sixty grand into an overdraft in his name at Coutts before he even finds out. He’s desperate to lose the next election so he can get her dumped and get that Telegraph cheddar, but that useless prick Starmer cannot hit an open bloody goal.

Getting some cans in and going back somewhere

Well up for it mate. Well up. It’s on me, I’ve got the office credit card, you provide the gaff and I’ll get the booze. Get the DJ back as well because this set is banging. And we need some kebabs.

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Toilet paper and five other own-brand items you'll regret buying

LOVE saving money to the extent that you’ll forego being able to enjoy the thing you’ve bought? Try these purchases:

Toilet paper

If you hate your anus, why not purchase some supermarket-branded toilet paper? Boasting all of the delicate comfort of 50 grit sandpaper, while also being prone to disintegrating during use, you’ll soon wish you were less tightfisted and had splashed out for quilted.


Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live as livestock? Then chow down on a bowl of supermarket granola. This tasteless mulch will make you feel like you’re being force-fed some particularly low-quality animal feed specifically designed to fatten you up as quickly as possible.


Own-brand bread is somehow overly salty, overly sweet and yet completely tasteless. The only use it could have is if you are starting up an independent business and are having trouble sourcing styrofoam to pack your goods in for shipping. Slices of this stuff would be a fine stand in.


Nothing says ‘I think we’re ready to try for a baby’ quite like coming back from Londis with a box of own-brand condoms nestled among your tins. The few quid you think you’ll save on not going down the branded route will end up costing you thousands in childcare down the line.


Ever wondered what pubs do with all of those unfinished pints at the end of a night? Well if the taste of supermarket beer is anything to go by, it seems all that stale lager and backwash is put into a big vat, given a mix and placed back into cans for sale.

Tea bags

Tired after a long day’s work and desperate to sit down with a relaxing cuppa? Then why not completely ruin the experience by brewing yourself a mug of rancid ditch water? If the ingredients on the side of own-brand tea bags were honest, they would list floor sweepings, mouse droppings and fag ash.