WANT a new profession? Here are five extremely specialised jobs that twats seem to think you can just have a bash at:
Photography was formerly the pursuit of a true artist, requiring years of study and darkroom training. Now, anyone with a iPhone and a laptop thinks they’re Rankin. Yes, you did take some nice moody snaps of the Norwegian fjords on holiday, but that’s largely down to the anti-shake setting and a Photoshop filter.
The sourdough trend and Bake-Off have drawn an entire generation of ham-fisted pricks towards baking and patisserie. Unfortunately they have the losing combination of enthusiasm, ambition and no skill whatsoever, resulting in flat, rock solid monstrosities. However, that doesn’t stop them buying a loaf from the bakery and popping it on Instagram claiming it as their own.
When at a clueless crossroads in your own life, why not pivot into a job where you can lecture people on their own fuck ups? Sure, some people train for years in psychology and psychotherapy, but that’s just a waste of time and money when you can pay some chancer two hundred quid for a series of Zoom lectures and a photocopied certificate.
The route from yoga fanatic to yoga instructor is wide open for any bellend with too much time on their hands and £25 to print some wanky leaflets. ‘Divine Enlightenment Yoga with Faye’ sounds great in principle, but your new students might be disappointed when they find you running it in a smelly back room at the local leisure centre rather than an off-grid forest yurt.
Apparently everyone has a book in them, but they’re largely derivative, badly-written shit rather than works of incredible literary merit. However, don’t let that stop you from wasting hours of your life sitting pensively at your MacBook waiting for inspiration to strike. If you do manage to churn out enough words to fill a book, self-publish on Amazon and force your poor friends to buy it.