ACCORDING to Dominic Cummings, Boris Johnson is not fit to be prime minister. Yes, and these other seven jobs:
Minding the till at Trevethin Spar while Janice nips out
Johnson doesn’t know the value of money, spends any that crosses his path, and promises everyone whatever they want for free regardless of long-term consequences. Would be fired and criminally prosecuted.
Swimming attendant at Newcastle-under-Lyme pool
You wouldn’t want Boris around women in a state of undress, naturally. He’s also indifferent to old people’s wellbeing, cavalier with kids, and unpleasant in Speedos. Let go after first shift.
Organising Jake’s stag do in Amsterdam
Wouldn’t do anything. Wouldn’t book planes, accommodation, a sex show, nothing. At the last minute will call a Russian oligarch who flies everyone to Vladivostok to party, but Boris didn’t sort visas so everyone but him is held at the airport for two days. Would be uninvited to wedding.
Daily Telegraph columnist
With no regard for truth, no insight and no values Johnson would be a spectacularly bad columnist. Making up quotes, offending whole cities, casually racist and homophobic; would only keep his job in the unlikely hope the lying twat becomes prime minister.
Procurement manager at Stourbridge Boiler Repair
Bumbling in the office, last to arrive and first to leave, always out on big dinners after which his Range Rover scrapes Dawn’s Punto and he says she did it, expenses higher than his salary. Kept on for a fortnight until there’s enough evidence to fire him without pay.
His key characteristic is his xenophobia. His second is saying offensive shit. Only a total f**king idiot of a boss would appoint him.
Looking after a stall on EastEnders
Previously appeared on the show having a pint, but Johnson would crumble under the responsibility of keeping an eye on Whitney’s stall while she has it out with Lee. Would simply piss off.