Minding the till at a rural Spar, and six other jobs Boris Johnson is unfit for

ACCORDING to Dominic Cummings, Boris Johnson is not fit to be prime minister. Yes, and these other seven jobs: 

Minding the till at Trevethin Spar while Janice nips out

Johnson doesn’t know the value of money, spends any that crosses his path, and promises everyone whatever they want for free regardless of long-term consequences. Would be fired and criminally prosecuted. 

Swimming attendant at Newcastle-under-Lyme pool

You wouldn’t want Boris around women in a state of undress, naturally. He’s also indifferent to old people’s wellbeing, cavalier with kids, and unpleasant in Speedos. Let go after first shift. 

Organising Jake’s stag do in Amsterdam

Wouldn’t do anything. Wouldn’t book planes, accommodation, a sex show, nothing. At the last minute will call a Russian oligarch who flies everyone to Vladivostok to party, but Boris didn’t sort visas so everyone but him is held at the airport for two days. Would be uninvited to wedding. 

Daily Telegraph columnist

With no regard for truth, no insight and no values Johnson would be a spectacularly bad columnist. Making up quotes, offending whole cities, casually racist and homophobic; would only keep his job in the unlikely hope the lying twat becomes prime minister. 

Procurement manager at Stourbridge Boiler Repair

Bumbling in the office, last to arrive and first to leave, always out on big dinners after which his Range Rover scrapes Dawn’s Punto and he says she did it, expenses higher than his salary. Kept on for a fortnight until there’s enough evidence to fire him without pay. 

Foreign secretary

His key characteristic is his xenophobia. His second is saying offensive shit. Only a total f**king idiot of a boss would appoint him. 

Looking after a stall on EastEnders

Previously appeared on the show having a pint, but Johnson would crumble under the responsibility of keeping an eye on Whitney’s stall while she has it out with Lee. Would simply piss off.

'Why are there still Muslims?' and other shit-thick Brexiter questions

LET’S face it, Brexiters often seemed confused about what they were voting for. Here are some questions puzzling them about post-Brexit Britain. 

Why are there still Muslims?

The answer is quite simple: they’re British and have been here for ages. This week’s row about Boris Johnson’s anti-Muslim comments must still have been baffling to the thick and racist element of Leave voters.    

How are we still in the Euros and Eurovision?

Confusing, isn’t it? We’re not in Europe anymore and yet we get to compete in their football and song contests. It’s really not, if you actually look at a map, and it would have saved a lot of trouble if you had done so before voting Leave. Then you could see how close Europe is and Australia isn’t.

Why are there still so many foreigners working here?

How are they allowed to work in our hospitals, restaurants and shops, and drive on our roads delivering parcels? Probably because they’re actually willing to do it. That’s quite important to a potential employer.

When do we get the British Empire back?

We showed our military might by scaring those cowardly French fishermen off Jersey, or however the Daily Express reported it, so when can we do the world a massive favour and start rebuilding the Empire? It might be worth reading a history book to fathom this one.

Why isn’t Nigel Farage in charge by now?

Wouldn’t it be great if Nigel was sticking it to the rest of the world by telling them what a bunch of losers they are, lucky to be sharing the same planet as the Brits? No, it would be an absolute nightmare, but the way things are going it will probably happen in the next few years, along with all-out war with Scotland.