MPs vote to keep having the shit kicked out of them by newspapers

PARLIAMENT has voted to continue following orders from Britain’s newspapers or face having their heads metaphorically kicked in.

MPs yesterday voted against the second stage of the Leveson inquiry, preferring the unpleasant but familiar arrangement of doing what capricious right-wing press barons tell them to.

MP Julian Cook said: “Make my own decisions for the good of the country? That sounds like a lot of hassle and a bit scary, so fuck that.

“Life’s much simpler if I can get up, read the headlines, be reminded of the consequences of stepping out of line and vote accordingly. Really we should thank the press for making democracy more efficient.”

Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre said: “This is a magnificent victory for the freedom of the press. The freedom to call people ‘TURNCOAT QUISLING ARSES’ if they don’t support our barking version of Brexit.

“That and rummage through Hugh Grant’s rubbish to see if the superior bastard’s been putting household waste in the recycling.”