HI, I’m Nadine Dorries and I stuck my head so far up my boss’s arse that he gave me an important job I’m terrible at. Here’s how you can do the same.
Start with some fairly normal sucking up
If you’re as talentless as me, there are limited routes to the top. Lay the groundwork for future promotion with a bit of general sucking-up: tell your boss how wonderful he is, even if he’s disorganised, bad at communicating or has just made millions of people hate his guts by having parties during a national health emergency.
Don’t stop at loyalty, go for fanaticism
Being dedicated is fine but loads of crawlers are dedicated, especially in the Conservative party, so you have to go a step further to stand out. Sound like a fanatic and talk about your ‘undying loyalty’. It’s a weird thing to say about your boss if he’s not Stalin, but now I’m personally in charge of crushing the Marxists at Channel 4, so a total lack of self-respect has really paid off.
Gaze at your superior with frightening adoration
Practise by watching David Koresh’s home movies. Then make sure the whole world can see how much you worship your boss. Luckily I can do this on telly at PMQs but you can do something similar in the staff canteen.
Attack colleagues who step out of line
Make yourself look even more slavishly dedicated to your boss by viciously attacking colleagues who dare to go against him. However, you can go too far, as I did when I described Jeremy Hunt’s Covid preparations as ‘wanting and inadequate’. Sometimes I’m humping Boris’s leg so hard I forget we’re all meant to be on the same side.
Enjoy it while it lasts
Sycophants are out on their arse when the boss goes, so enjoy your elevated position while it lasts. I’m hoping to make my mark by shafting public service broadcasting, and why not? But I’ve wisely got a back-up plan. When Boris gets kicked out, and the novelty of his teenybopper wife has worn off, we can live in a lovely little cottage together. He can write his Telegraph columns and I’ll gaze at him adoringly all day. I’m sure he’ll be up for that.