Nadine Dorries: 'I will always be remembered as The One Boris Didn't Shag'

NADINE Dorries, who is standing down at the next election, believes her place in history as Boris Johnson’s non-sexual acolyte is assured.

The Mid Bedfordshire MP believes that when historians write accounts of the Brexit Age she will be noted as a significant anomaly for her sycophantic yet non-erotic attachment to the former prime minister.

Dorries said: “Curious, isn’t it? That the fiercest supporter of Boris is one of the few women he’s not gone at like a dog humping a sofa.

“Even now I’m writing a book about the unfairness of his political downfall and his inevitable, triumphant return while yearning for his touch – though that can never be.

“In every volume of history, even the ones written by lefties, there will be a footnote. It will read: ‘Evidence shows that Johnson made love to every woman living in London aged 21 to 38 between the years 2006-2022 at least once, with Dorries the sole exception.’

“I like to think it shows how special and invaluable and in fact closer to him I am than any woman who merely shares his bed. Carrie? A mere concubine.”

Johnson said: “Nads? Ah, now, bit awkward because I’m going to have to give her peerage to this posh girl I’ve got pregnant.”

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Classic band fallings out that were better than the music

ROGER Waters and Dave Gilmour aren’t the first musicians to be embroiled in a bitter feud. Here are some of the classic bust-ups from music history. 

Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend

The Who were notorious for fisticuffs – who’d have guessed necking brandy and drugs in lunatic quantities could cause problems? In one incident Daltrey decked Townshend with an uppercut, and genuinely thought he’d killed him. Happily they’re still mates. Maybe Rog knocks Pete unconscious occasionally for old times’ sake. Aw. 

Morrissey and Johnny Marr

The origin of this row is unclear, but it prompted Morrissey to write a pompous, faux-poetical open letter saying, among other things: ‘If I was, as you claim, such an eyesore monster, where exactly did this leave you? Mute? Chained? Abducted by cross-eyed extraterrestrials?’ Which handily explains that they fell out because Morrissey is an utter wanker. 

Oasis and themselves plus Damon Albarn

The Gallaghers had various tedious scraps plus an assault with a tambourine, which must have been terrifying for poor Noel, so it was far more entertaining when Liam told Damon Albarn to ‘catch AIDS and die’. Respect due for thinking of such a tasteless and painful death for someone whose greatest crime was being annoyingly middle-class. 

Roger Waters and Dave Gilmour 

This actually takes some beating. Gilmour’s wife tweeted that Waters was ‘anti-semitic to his rotten core’, which Dave seemed to agree with. It’s not the sort of thing you can sort out with flowers and a card: ‘Sorry for telling everyone you hate Jews. Friends?’ It’s more entertaining than Floyd albums like A Momentary Lapse of Reason, and don’t pre-book tickets for a reunion tour.

Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel

Much tension, but manifested in unexciting ways, such as Garfunkel feeling hurt when Simon recorded a solo single in 1958. However you can’t really imagine the sensitive folk-pop duo battering each other, and hearing about their tetchy relationship is preferable to listening to unbearable tweeness like For Emily, Whenever I May Find Her.


Frontman and rhythm guitarist Paul Stanley decided to drop the bomb on his former bandmates in his memoir. Gene Simmons did not mastermind the band’s career, ‘he just took credit for things’. Band members were often too f**ked to play, quelle surprise, and Ace Frehley and Peter Criss were antisemites who, in Frehley’s case, also racially mocked waiters at Chinese restaurants. Stanley also highlights Frehley’s collection of Nazi memorabilia in case you were unsure about his feelings.

Mel B and Geri Halliwell and Mel C and Posh Spice

The Spice Girls didn’t collect Nazi memorabilia as far as we know, but Geri left the band on Mel B’s birthday without telling her, the cow. Mel B meanwhile has revealed she came to blows with Mel C and there was animosity toward Victoria for not joining a reunion tour. Mel (B) also told Piers Morgan about a sexual encounter with Geri, which she said was ‘hurtful to her family’. Friendship never ends, indeed.