Newspaper columnist wakes from dream he was prime minister

A JOURNALIST turning out inflammatory columns for a downmarket rag has woken from a dream where he was briefly prime minister. 

The overweight, lazy, scruffy hack, who has done nothing but write ill-informed columns firing up idiots about bullshit his entire life, woke from a start at his desk from a wonderful fantasy where he led the whole country until it went horribly wrong.

Johnson, a former Daily Telegraph columnist who has now sunk to the depths of the Mail, said: “But it seemed so real.

“I was Mayor of London and got all the girls, then I discovered this magical thing called Brexit. What was it? Like an… amulet, or a glowing mineral or a spray aerosol that made everything perfect.

“Because I held The Brexit I became prime minister, and I was wise and good and loved throughout the land but then there was a plague, or something? And I was living with this blonde I used to work with who said she was Queen and kept turning up with new babies?

“Then I was at a party and I was naked, maybe, or had committed some social infraction and suddenly everyone hated me and I couldn’t find Brexit then I woke up here.

“Where I’ve always been. Churning out crap for dickheads.”

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Seven downsides to shagging Tom Cruise

TOM Cruise is just good friends with former squeeze Hayley Atwell, four weeks before their new film comes out. So should you shag Hollywood’s most questionable bachelor? 

He remains short

The master of live-action stuntwork he may be, but he’s also a shortarse. It needn’t be a relationship deal-breaker, but be aware all his homes are built to scale and he has a three-quarter size red convertible like Stuart Little.

The Scientology

Most girlfriends don’t have to play along with their partner’s belief that they’re a reincarnated Thetan brought to Earth by Xenu, ruler of the Galactic Confederacy. It’s like being in Doctor Who every day, albeit one of the shit ones.


Married, a father, a string of girlfriends from Cher to Penelope Cruz, so why do the rumours persist? Is it possible to be so deep in the closet you’re indistinguishable from straight? Is it just a weird but harmless boyfriend interest like World War Two or wrestling?

He might jump on a sofa

There isn’t really a circumstance where someone’s so pleased they’re shagging you they jump up and down on a sofa that works. It’s an odd way to show enthusiasm for having sex with a woman. It would be less embarrassing if he was in the local paper for wanking in pet shops.

His age

60-year-old Tom looks buff, but allegedly wore a corset while getting married to Katie Holmes. God knows how these things work, but it’s possible that once released from his girdle Tom will expand outward like a life-raft and resemble Eric Cartman.

The shit films

Mainly they’re alright. But artsy sword-and-sorcery movie Legend was miscast, playing a Vietnam vet in a wheelchair was an Oscar-grab and Days of Thunder f**king sucked. And Tom Cruise does seem the kind of guy who likes to spend a quiet night in watching a Tom Cruise film.

The slim chance of a deal with the Devil

Tom looks remarkably youthful and is still cranking out hit movies four decades in, so a deal with Satan seems safe to assume. This is his problem, not yours. Make sure you’re out when Lucifer calls. At the first whiff of sulphur say you’ve got to pop out to the 24-hour garage for an onion.