Nice broadcasting corporation you got there, shame if something were to happen to it. By Nadine Dorries

HEY, BBC. I like the broadcasting corporation you got there. David Attenborough. Nice. Real national treasure. Strictly Come Dancing. Light entertainment a country can really sink its teeth into. Like I say, nice.

Nice building you got there, too, Broadcasting House. Real historical. I like that. ‘Nation Shall Speak Unto Nation’. That’s classy. And Radio 4. Thought For The Day. The Archers, the freaking Archers, stretching way back and shit.

So all I’m saying is, a broadcasting corporation should mind how it goes. Watch its step. Remember who controls its purse strings.

We all like to settle down as a family and watch BBC Ten O’Clock News. But let’s not bullshit, we know it’s a nest of pinkos and lefties – Laura Kuenssberg, Andrew Neil. Snakes who make out that the Conservatives are making a pig’s ass of things when we all know everything’s going real smooth.

Sure, we got a few internal difficulties right now but we’ll straighten them out. And if our Mr Johnson makes a gaffe here or closes a high speed railway line there, do us a favour – look the other way, huh? 

Because it’d be a shame after all these decades if your interfering reporting meant we had to abolish your commie asses and that nice piece of prime real estate off Oxford Street got sold as private apartments to our friends from Russia and Saudi Arabia. 

Just think. No more documentaries about saving the blue whale and shit, or Doctor Freakin’ Who, any of that stuff. And you saps scratching around for jobs on the QVC Channel.

Just be nice, that’s all we ask. Be nice, huh? Or sleep with the fishes.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Are you hard enough to listen to a whole Adele album?

UNSURE if Adele’s new album 30 is for you? See if you’ve got the personal mettle to listen to all of these tracks without breaking down.

I’m Getting Divorced

Adele bravely confronts her favourite and most lucrative topic again. Contains the lyric ‘The dead flowers of hopeless love/Are buried in a barren cemetery of despair’. One song in and you are already pretty depressed.

Did I Mention I Got Divorced?

Ms Adkins reminds fans of her divorce, in case they’d forgotten about it in the five seconds between tracks. Emotional honesty is the order of the day. ‘Divorce really sucks,’ she sings.‘I cried on the bus the other day which was a bit of an embarrassment for everyone.’

The Bastard’s Taken the Good Casserole Dish 

The wildly successful songwriter gets down to the nitty gritty of breaking up, specifically the loss of a treasured casserole dish. It was the same quality as a Le Creuset, but a more reasonable price, and you could even do a whole roast chicken – just add some onion, carrots and potato you were good to go. Fans of easy one-pot meals will find it impossible not to shed a tear.

I’m Flying like a Bird Now (Without That Shit Bringing Me Down)

The singer switches to a more feisty, combative mode. ‘Don’t even think about the using the f**king joint account,’ she warns. ‘I know who all the DVDs belong to.’ By now listeners will really feel they need a break from the monomaniacal obsession with doomed marriage, although if you’re prepared to pay 400 quid for an Adele ticket, misery is clearly your thing.

An Upsetting Conversation with My Son 

Ms Adkins takes the brave, brutally honest step of including audio verite recordings of conversations with her nine-year-old son, who senses the complexity of adult relationships and suggests a game of ‘smash the robot’ while making ‘pee-ow pee-ow’ sounds representing laser blasts. Raw, stark and best ‘enjoyed’ with a cocktail of antidepressants.

It’s Comfy Here on the Floor With Some Wine

Adele’s trademark piano and lush orchestration bring out the quiet yet powerful dignity of a woman on her third bottle of shiraz who can’t see the point of getting up off the lounge floor as she’s actually quite comfortable lying here.

Moving On Backwards

A forensic recap of everything that went wrong in Adele’s marriage, right down to a boring trip to York Minster in 2018. Even her most devoted fans are now close to catatonic depression, which is just how they like it.