Nine reasons why your vote for Boris Johnson doesn't make you a prize dick

DID you vote for Boris Johnson in 2019? Feeling quite the rosette-wearing cock? Former Boris fan Norman Steele has nine pathetic ways to justify it:

He’d be a laugh down the pub

Boris is a great laugh with his Latin quips and tousled hair. Apart from he’s notoriously tight, swills chianti and nicks half your f**king crisps because he ‘thought they were for the table’.

He’s very intelligent

He went to Oxford and was a successful journalist, except his journalism was made-up shit and his books are rubbish. But you’d only know that if you read any of it, and why would you?

Who hasn’t tried to get their leg over?

All men try to get laid. Boris is a serial adulterer with illegitimate children who treats women like dirt with his selfish, pathological skirt-chasing, but so could I be if I’d not married young.

Boris is a patriot

He takes the piss out of foreigners and mentions the war. The mark of a man who’d have eight George Crosses up during the World Cup, not just one. And he apologised to the Queen like a true gent.

We were misled

If only someone – a journalist, or former boss, or close associate – had warned that Johnson was a sociopathic liar. But no one did. Proving this is a Remainer plot.

I thought he’d rise to it

Boris was a clown who faced with a serious challenge would come good. Okay, he didn’t, but it happens in films all the time like Independence Day, where the alcoholic pilot pulls himself together and blows up the mothership. So it was natural to think it.

You can’t blame the left-behind

Rundown high streets and rubbish jobs? It’s logical to vote for racists and Old Etonians in those circumstances.

He got Brexit done

Boris delivered Brexit despite all the warnings it would be a disaster, and it has been. You could argue that’s just doubly stupid. I say ‘Yes, but we told the frogs and krauts to piss off.’ It’s a matter of priorities.

He’s not your typical Tory politician

Apart from being rich, in favour of every right-wing Tory policy and a bit bigoted. But what’s that compared to hilarious haystack hair?

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Six bands who pretended to be from the future but looked like twats 

CLAIMING to be from the future is near-impossible to pull off, especially if you’re a pop star with stupid hair. These acts made the future look shit: 

Sigue Sigue Sputnik

SSS’s vision of the future was super-camp Mad Max rejects in platform heels perfoming in front of stacks of old TVs. Sure enough, the future thus far has not involved everyone being into glam punk and looking a laughable knob. Though they did put adverts between tracks like free Spotify, so solid prediction there.


‘I am the operator with my pocket calculator’ alludes to mankind being enslaved by technology. But the first calculators were awesome and Kraftwerk had their own musical pocket calculator made by Casio. So really they were just Teutonic nerds who liked calculators. Case closed.

The Shamen

The Shamen loved a bit of technobabble, with vague concepts like ‘matter motion energy’ and ‘spacetime’. Unfortunately it wasn’t cutting-edge physics, just the ramblings of your mate who necked every pill going in the 90s and hasn’t been right ever since.

David Bowie

Ziggy Stardust was technically a space alien, but still futuristic. However this enigmatic, androgynous creature still resembled the blokes from KISS. It’s like Klaatu arriving on Earth to have an interminable jam session and ask if anyone can sort him out with some coke, which is the plot of The Man Who Fell To Earth. 

Daft Punk

The robot helmets and song titles like Motherboard are deceptive. This is catchy, tasteful disco music that might help you get your leg over. About as exciting and ambitious as a sci-fi thriller about thermostats becoming self-aware.

Gary Numan

Gary created an impressively dark and paranoid future with Cars and Are ‘Friends’ Electric? He had a tendency to reuse the same tunes, but then he was a robot so fair enough. But do we really face a future where everyone is absolutely caked in eyeliner?