DID you vote for Boris Johnson in 2019? Feeling quite the rosette-wearing cock? Former Boris fan Norman Steele has nine pathetic ways to justify it:
He’d be a laugh down the pub
Boris is a great laugh with his Latin quips and tousled hair. Apart from he’s notoriously tight, swills chianti and nicks half your f**king crisps because he ‘thought they were for the table’.
He’s very intelligent
He went to Oxford and was a successful journalist, except his journalism was made-up shit and his books are rubbish. But you’d only know that if you read any of it, and why would you?
Who hasn’t tried to get their leg over?
All men try to get laid. Boris is a serial adulterer with illegitimate children who treats women like dirt with his selfish, pathological skirt-chasing, but so could I be if I’d not married young.
Boris is a patriot
He takes the piss out of foreigners and mentions the war. The mark of a man who’d have eight George Crosses up during the World Cup, not just one. And he apologised to the Queen like a true gent.
We were misled
If only someone – a journalist, or former boss, or close associate – had warned that Johnson was a sociopathic liar. But no one did. Proving this is a Remainer plot.
I thought he’d rise to it
Boris was a clown who faced with a serious challenge would come good. Okay, he didn’t, but it happens in films all the time like Independence Day, where the alcoholic pilot pulls himself together and blows up the mothership. So it was natural to think it.
You can’t blame the left-behind
Rundown high streets and rubbish jobs? It’s logical to vote for racists and Old Etonians in those circumstances.
He got Brexit done
Boris delivered Brexit despite all the warnings it would be a disaster, and it has been. You could argue that’s just doubly stupid. I say ‘Yes, but we told the frogs and krauts to piss off.’ It’s a matter of priorities.
He’s not your typical Tory politician
Apart from being rich, in favour of every right-wing Tory policy and a bit bigoted. But what’s that compared to hilarious haystack hair?